I always envisioned myself as a future mother. While I may not have been particularly nurturing in my younger years (I was a less-than-stellar babysitter), I believed that once I embraced motherhood, I would naturally become maternal. I imagined myself like other mothers, showering my children with kisses and adoring their little chunky legs. I thought I would effortlessly engage in baby talk and eagerly play games like patty cake, inventing cute nicknames for my children while never losing my temper.
This idealized image of motherhood has been ingrained in me from a young age; it’s a narrative fed to us by society and reinforced through culture. It’s so deeply rooted that it’s hard not to feel inadequate if we don’t feel that overwhelming urge to coo at infants or experience a rush of joy at the sight of a newborn.
I observe the mothering styles of other women, witnessing their joy as they cuddle and kiss their babies. Some mothers co-sleep and breastfeed for years, while others exhibit endless patience and calmness. In contrast, I often find myself wondering: Is something wrong with me? Am I missing some intrinsic maternal gene?
I dislike baby talk and tend to shy away from excessive affection. After a brief cuddle, I often crave my personal space. I struggle with impatience and, admittedly, I raise my voice more than I’d like to admit. Co-sleeping was never for me, and I transitioned to formula feeding shortly after a brief stint with breastfeeding.
As I watch other mothers shower their infants with affection, I sometimes wish I could emulate their ease and warmth. I find myself questioning why I don’t feel that maternal pull or why my desire for children doesn’t surge when I see even the most adorable baby.
Much of my time is consumed with thoughts about whether I am a good enough mother. I compare my parenting style to that of others, often feeling as though I need to be more like them. However, it’s crucial for mothers like myself to remember that there’s no definitive “right” way to be a good mom. There is no elusive maternal gene to unlock; motherhood manifests uniquely in everyone, and being maternal—or not—does not determine one’s ability to parent effectively.
In the past, whenever I pondered my capabilities as a mother, I did so through the lens of societal expectations and comparisons. I mistakenly believed I lacked the necessary qualities to be a good mother. I felt inadequate because I didn’t mirror the affectionate behaviors of other women. Yet, I need to remind myself that my children don’t have those other mothers; they have me.
While I may not exude the same patience or warmth as some of my peers, what matters is that I love my children deeply and wholeheartedly. I might not always be the cuddly mom, but I am their biggest supporter and protector—something that truly counts. My children are happy and feel secure largely because I parent in a way that feels authentic to me.
Of course, there’s always room for improvement, and I often fall short of my high expectations. Yet, there are also many instances where I succeed in my own parenting style, which is what truly matters.
So yes, I may not possess what society deems the “mom gene,” and that’s perfectly fine because that gene simply doesn’t exist. Unless, of course, we’re referring to the elusive “mom jeans,” which, admittedly, aren’t in my wardrobe either.
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In summary, every mother’s journey is unique, and the essence of motherhood is not defined by one particular style or set of behaviors. Embracing our individual approaches and loving our children in our own ways is what truly matters.