Let’s be honest: marriage can be incredibly challenging. “Challenging” hardly captures the complexity and intensity of the experience—it’s a term that feels too simplistic for the myriad of emotions involved. Personally, I grapple with this more deeply since my upbringing didn’t provide me with a model of a healthy marriage. My parents were often embroiled in conflicts, both with each other and with us kids. Love and romance were absent from our home. I often found myself questioning whether their bond was genuine or merely a product of their religious beliefs.
Divorce, too, presents its own set of difficulties. I view marriage as akin to an abstract painting—colors splashed across a canvas with both chaos and intention. It’s a mix of beauty and ugliness, bright moments alongside the mundane. Sometimes, marriage is simply there, looming large, leaving us speechless.
Perhaps it’s the remarks I’ve received about my own divorce that have led me to feel that others may not want to hear about the struggles within a marriage. Consequently, I’ve often felt compelled to present a façade of perfection. Look at us! Here’s a selfie showcasing our “happy” marriage. If you had peeked in on us after seven years together, you would have seen plenty of this staged happiness. I was terrified that our relationship was crumbling, but I needed the world to think otherwise.
Fast forward to today, and somehow, we’re still together (can you believe it’s been 11 years?). Despite my previous admissions about our marriage nearing collapse, we’ve danced on the edge of destruction more times than I can count. I haven’t shared the painstaking conversations we’ve had, the instances of infidelity—one from neglect and the other from spite—nor our struggles with communication. I didn’t discuss our explorations into polyamory or how those discussions have prompted us to learn more about one another. I also left out the times we were cruel to each other and the heartfelt apologies that followed. The stigma surrounding the imperfections of marriage, whether self-imposed or societal, creates a heavy burden.
At least that’s the impression I’ve gathered from social media. Celebrating a healthy marriage is wonderful, but there’s an issue when we start comparing our relationships to the curated snapshots others present, believing they are devoid of similar challenges. It’s concerning when we buy into the notion that marriages either fit the stereotype of perfect happiness or the narratives of failure, leaving no room for the complexities in between.
I appreciate that middle ground. My marriage is currently navigating that very space, accommodating our unique needs and differences. It’s not a fairy tale fueled by some magical love, nor do we possess a foolproof formula for success. Rather, we’ve released the notion that marriage must be flawless or conform to external expectations. Each relationship has its own guidelines, and there’s no universal right or wrong. Just be true to yourselves.
Can we all agree, despite our differences, that marriage is often tough?
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In summary, marriage is a complex journey filled with ups and downs. By acknowledging the challenges and embracing the imperfections, we can foster healthier relationships that reflect our unique experiences.