When my son was a toddler, he had a penchant for delivering big, sloppy kisses on my cheek, forehead, and even my hand. His affection was contagious, and I cherished each moment. There was something delightful about hearing him insist, “Just one more kiss, Mama!” His kisses were generous, lavished on family, friends, and even inanimate objects.
As he transitioned into elementary school, those big, wet kisses gave way to quick hugs—a natural evolution in his growing independence. By the time he turned eight, I noticed a shift; the slobbery kisses were replaced by a simple peck on the cheek. I wasn’t fond of this change and often encouraged him to give me a “real” kiss instead. Yet, my attempts were met with cheeky pecks or kisses on the top of my head.
Initially, I attributed this to a phase—perhaps he felt awkward about showing affection as he grew older. However, I soon observed that he was also pulling away from hugging others. Friends would come over, and I would prompt him to hug them, only to see him hesitate. “It’s great to see you,” he would say, but the hug never followed. “Come on, give Aunt Clara a hug! Don’t be rude!” I’d urge. After some reluctance, he would comply, but it felt forced.
At that moment, I realized I was interpreting his behavior as unkindness, similar to when I insist he say “please” or “thank you.” But then I paused and reflected. I’m a natural hugger myself—I embrace everyone from close friends to acquaintances I just met. It dawned on me that while I thrive on physical affection, my son might not share my enthusiasm for it.
This realization reminded me of a gathering I attended a couple of summers ago. Upon seeing a friend I hadn’t met in years, I instinctively reached for a hug. She responded warmly but said, “Oh, right! You’re a hugger!” It struck me then that not everyone has the same comfort level with physical touch.
With this newfound understanding of my son’s boundaries, I decided it was time for an open conversation. Two nights ago, I invited him into my room and asked him a simple question: “How do you feel about giving hugs and kisses?” He seemed taken aback, unsure of how to respond. I reassured him that there were no wrong answers.
“Well,” he started, “sometimes I want to hug people, but other times, especially with new people, I just don’t feel like it. Does that make me mean?”
His question hit me hard. I realized that my insistence on hugs had inadvertently made him feel guilty about his own boundaries. I took a moment to respond thoughtfully. “What you feel is completely valid. It’s your body, and only you get to decide who gets to touch it.”
In that moment, I could see his eyes widen as he began to grasp the significance of what I was saying. I continued, “If you don’t want to hug someone, that’s not mean. It’s about respecting your own comfort zone. You can always ask if someone wants a hug, and it’s perfectly okay to say ‘no’ if you don’t want to.”
We continued to discuss this, and I made sure he understood that it was alright for him to have different preferences from mine. I emphasized that this was a valuable lesson about personal agency and boundaries.
This journey of parenting is filled with lessons. While many people often comment on how similar my son and I are in demeanor and habits, I learned that our similarities don’t dictate our preferences. The truth is, children can have their own unique ways of expressing affection, and it’s crucial for us as parents to recognize and respect those boundaries.
From now on, when I greet someone with a hug, my son knows he doesn’t have to follow suit. A simple handshake or a warm smile is just as meaningful. For more insights on navigating personal boundaries and parenting, consider checking out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This article highlights the importance of acknowledging and respecting a child’s personal boundaries regarding physical affection. It reflects on the author’s realization that her son may not share her inclination for hugs, emphasizing the need for open communication about comfort levels. This lesson serves as a reminder that while we may share traits with our children, they have their own preferences and boundaries that deserve respect.