To my cherished young men,
I understand that having a penis comes with some unique perks. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be tempted to show off and play around with it just like you do. However, as your doctor, it’s my responsibility to guide you on appropriate places to relieve yourselves. Given the number of unconventional spots I’ve noticed you using, it seems I need to clarify things a bit. So listen closely, memorize this, and let it resonate with you:
Just because you can urinate anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
While the convenience of peeing without searching for a (preferably clean and safe) restroom is undeniable, and I can relate from my own desperate moments — like that time I had to resort to an empty soda bottle during a long drive — most of the time you’re just a short distance away from a proper toilet. Thus, it is wholly unnecessary (and frankly, socially unacceptable) to relieve yourselves in any of the following locations:
- Our front yard
- The neighbors’ yard
- The street drain
- The local park
- The playground
- Off the porch
- The side of the house
- The litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Any cups, especially beverages
- Water guns (especially if they sit and fester in your closet until they smell bad. Ahem.)
I’m not being unreasonable here. Even someone without the same anatomy can appreciate the temptation of a built-in outlet. However, this is a lesson you’ll need to learn if you want to avoid any future trouble.
If you’re feeling deprived, I might allow you to “write” your name in the snow occasionally because, honestly, that does sound like fun. Just make sure it’s in a private area where no one can see.
For the other 99.9% of the time, aim for the toilet. And if you’re looking to make it more exciting, toss in a few Cheerios before you go. I’d rather lose a bit of cereal than face the embarrassment of seeing you urinate where it simply shouldn’t happen — or the discomfort of discovering unwanted puddles in places they shouldn’t be.
I don’t want to be the fun police, but it’s my duty as a parent to teach you this vital lesson that seems to be slipping through the cracks. And just to be thorough, please add “anything made of fabric or paper” to the list of restricted urination locations.
Much love,
Dr. Sarah
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Summary: This article provides essential guidance for young boys about appropriate urination habits, emphasizing the importance of using designated toilets rather than inappropriate locations. It also touches on the societal norms surrounding this behavior while encouraging responsible choices.