Kids experience emotions. They have strong feelings that can be overwhelming and complex. Anyone who has spent time with an upset infant, a frustrated toddler, or a moody teenager knows that children are inherently wired to feel deeply.
Through my years as both a physician and a parent, I’ve come to realize that much of what society conveys about emotions is often unintentional and indirect. I’ve found myself responding to my own children during their emotional moments with phrases like, “Just stop crying,” or “Don’t be upset.” I never intended to teach them that their feelings were wrong, yet in the heat of the moment, that’s how my words often came across.
When children are subtly taught that some emotions are undesirable or inappropriate, they may grow to believe that they shouldn’t feel certain things. This can lead to the perception that experiencing anger is dangerous and sadness equates to failure. This narrative can be harmful, as it instills the belief that they should be in control of their emotions — that happiness is a decision they can make. But if happiness were truly a choice, why would anyone ever choose sadness? This mentality can create a sense of inadequacy, making children feel that if they are unhappy, it’s due to their poor choices.
I spent a significant portion of my life trying to suppress what I deemed “negative” emotions, like sadness and anger. This only exacerbated my unhappiness, leading me to feel powerless and frustrated, as I believed my emotions were a reflection of my shortcomings. Recognizing that no feeling is inherently bad was revolutionary for me. Anger isn’t wrong; it’s how we respond to it that can be constructive or destructive. Likewise, sadness isn’t bad; it’s how we navigate it that matters.
In our home, we openly discuss emotions and the choices we make in response to them. Phrases like “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to be unkind” are part of our everyday dialogue. We encourage expressions of frustration, but we also guide our children to find more constructive ways to cope. For instance, we might say, “It’s alright to feel sad. I feel that way too. How can we acknowledge our sadness while still being kind?”
Understanding that feelings are valid, regardless of their intensity, is essential. While some emotions may be uncomfortable or challenging to handle, labeling them as “bad” can hinder emotional growth. Moreover, I strive to respond to my children’s emotions with empathy, never insisting they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Instead, I encourage them to explore the decisions that contribute to their feelings and the choices they can make to cope with them.
Today’s children face unprecedented challenges, including rising rates of depression and mental health issues. Therefore, it is crucial that we teach them about emotional well-being in a mindful way. Children who learn to embrace their feelings will grow into adults who can navigate the complexities of their emotions.
Rather than instilling a fear of difficult emotions, my goal is to help my children develop healthy relationships with their feelings. They don’t need to suppress their emotions, nor should those emotions dictate their actions.
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In summary, it’s essential to create an environment where feelings are acknowledged and accepted, rather than suppressed or demonized. By fostering a healthy relationship with emotions, we can equip our children to face life’s complexities with resilience.