Last month, my 9-year-old son, Jake, had a school holiday due to a teacher conference day. After dropping his younger brother off at preschool, I found Jake deeply engrossed in his video games, and I felt the urge to squeeze in a quick run.
Typically, I wouldn’t even consider leaving him alone, but over the past few months, Jake had demonstrated a significant degree of maturity. He had been responsible with his chores, kinder to his little brother, and seemed to be getting the hang of the whole “growing up” thing.
Jake had learned essential safety skills: knowing how to call 911, avoiding anything dangerous like the stove, and never opening the door to strangers. Additionally, our iPad was set up to text me, which he was familiar with. We also had trusted neighbors living nearby who were home.
So, I decided to take the plunge. I informed Jake that I would be away for 20 minutes and went over our emergency plan. I explained my route, assuring him that I would be within two minutes of home at all times and would jog past our house multiple times during the run.
Looking back, it was a solid plan, and thankfully, my run and Jake’s first experience being left alone turned out uneventfully. However, while I was out, I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety—not for Jake’s safety, but rather about what others might think.
As I ran, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being judged. What if someone saw me leaving my son alone? Would they accuse me of neglect? Would I need to justify my decision, detailing my route to prove I was close enough to respond if needed? The very thought of Child Protective Services getting involved sent a chill down my spine. It’s baffling how different the world is now compared to when I was a child, when parents would leave us in cars for quick errands or let us play outside unsupervised.
I remember being left alone at Jake’s age without a second thought from my mother, who made her decisions based on instinct and understanding of her children. Nowadays, however, there’s a palpable fear surrounding parenting choices. There are real consequences for opting for a freerange approach; I’ve heard stories of parents being reported for allowing their kids to play in their own yards or even for a brief store run while their toddlers napped in the car.
Before writing this, I researched the laws regarding leaving kids home alone in my state. Fortunately, New York has no strict minimum age for this; instead, it emphasizes the need for common sense. The law indicates that the decision should be based on the child’s maturity and the specific circumstances.
While knowing I was in the right was reassuring, it didn’t alleviate the pressure I felt from societal judgment. The climate of shame and scrutiny from both parents and non-parents can be daunting. As my children grow and I face more situations requiring me to gauge their readiness for independence, I must remind myself that I know them best, and as a caring and sensible mother, I need to ignore the judgment of others.
I wish we could shift the narrative around parenting. While safety should always be a concern, we also need to ensure we aren’t going to extremes in our caution. Neglect occurs, but far more often, parents are doing a commendable job. If we could foster a culture of belief in parents and reduce the fear, perhaps parenting could become a more empowering and affirming experience for everyone involved.
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Summary
This article reflects on the author’s experience leaving her 9-year-old son alone for the first time while exploring societal pressures and fears surrounding parenting decisions. It emphasizes the importance of trusting one’s judgment and fostering a supportive parenting culture.