When my younger son was just a toddler, his favorite phrase was “Me-Me-Me.” Every time my husband or I tried to assist him with his shoes, breakfast, or even getting buckled into his car seat, he would shove us away and exclaim, “Me-Me-Me!” Essentially, he was saying, “Leave me alone; I can do this myself.”
While his fierce desire for independence was endearing, it also drove us to our wits’ end. He would throw tantrums, cry, and sulk—all to avoid accepting a bit of help. For toddlers, independence is the ultimate goal.
This mindset extends beyond childhood; many people view independence as a virtue. We pride ourselves on being self-starters and high achievers in a society that values the “pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” mentality. Independence, freedom, and self-reliance are often celebrated as key aspects of the American Dream. However, this push for independence can be detrimental to parents.
Not long ago, I spoke with my friend Sarah, who was overwhelmed with parenting challenges. I offered assistance and encouraged her to seek help from others, reminding her that she wasn’t alone. Her response was, “I know, but I feel like I should manage this on my own.” In essence, she was embracing the “Me-Me-Me” philosophy, exhausting herself in the process.
I’ve found myself in that same exhausting mindset. Like many parents, I take pride in my independence and often hesitate to ask for help. I feel compelled to handle things myself, but what I—and many others—often overlook is that independence and support can coexist. Being self-sufficient doesn’t equate to isolation, and autonomy doesn’t negate the need for community.
Parenting wasn’t designed to prioritize independence over mutual support. We are not meant to navigate this journey alone, especially during those overwhelming days when the urge to scream “I can’t take this anymore!” is nearly irresistible.
The saying “it takes a village” may be a cliché, but it rings true. Parenting requires a community. In the past, raising children was a collective responsibility. Neighbors rallied to support each other: if you had an appointment or a particularly tough day, you could call up your friend Lisa and say, “Hey, I’m struggling today! Can you watch my kids for a little while?” And Lisa would gladly help, maybe asking for a small favor in return.
Nobody judged or shamed one another. You wouldn’t overhear gossip about a parent needing help. Instead, you both would understand the importance of mutual support and would enjoy some downtime together, sharing stories and laughter over a drink.
Yet, somewhere along the way, we’ve developed an expectation that parenting should be done independently. Parents, whether single or partnered, are often expected to manage their lives without burdening others. This expectation is reflected in public policies, such as the lack of paid parental leave and affordable childcare in the U.S. It’s evident in how quickly people can judge families who are struggling. We often hesitate to ask for help or admit that we don’t have everything figured out.
Parenting is incredibly challenging, and our insistence on “Me-Me-Me” is taking a toll on our well-being. There’s no reward for going it alone or enduring hardship silently. In fact, embracing a community approach to parenting can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.
So why not shift from the “Me-Me-Me” style to a “We’ve Got Each Other’s Backs” approach? My son eventually moved past his “Me-Me-Me” phase. He learned that while he could do things independently, he didn’t have to. He accepted help, and we all became a lot happier in the process.
If only we could adopt the same mindset as parents today.
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Summary
Independence is often seen as a virtue, but for parents, the pressure to do everything alone can be overwhelming. Embracing community support and cooperation can lead to a happier parenting experience. Shift from a mindset of independence to one of mutual assistance.