“Why conform when you’re meant to stand out?” – Unknown
My family certainly stands out. My children are of Asian descent, while my husband and I are Caucasian. It’s pretty safe to assume our kids are adopted, which often leads to a mix of curious glances and intrusive comments from strangers—some well-meaning, others completely off the mark. I recognize that not everyone thinks through the implications of their questions when they see our unique family dynamic, especially in busy places like the grocery store.
While I strive to respond with poise and understanding (often accompanied by a sigh or a subtle eye roll), some inquiries can be downright ridiculous. Here are a few examples:
- “What happened to their REAL parents?”
This question drives me up the wall. The appropriate term is “birth parents.” And frankly, it’s not your place to inquire. Such questions can inadvertently lead my children to wonder, “Am I not a real son?” or “Is she not my real mom?” We discuss adoption openly at home, but it’s disheartening when these conversations arise from strangers’ thoughtless comments.
- “Your child is so fortunate/you’re a saint for rescuing that poor child.”
Let’s clear this up: I’m not a saint, nor was I on a mission to save anyone. My husband and I simply wanted to be parents—this journey was about love, not heroics.
- “Can’t you have your own children?”
Ah, the classic question about my reproductive capabilities. Nothing like a stranger prying into your personal life to brighten your day!
- “Why did you choose to adopt from X instead of Y?”
Why adopt from China rather than the U.S.? Or why not foster care? Brace yourself for this: there’s a myriad of reasons for choosing a specific adoption path. Unless you’re considering adoption yourself, it’s best to avoid such probing inquiries.
- “Adoption seems like the easy way to have kids.”
Just because I didn’t experience pregnancy or childbirth doesn’t mean it was easy. Do you know my journey? The struggles with infertility and the heartaches of loss? No? Then perhaps reconsider your use of the word “easy” in this context.
- “I could NEVER do that.”
It’s great to know you have such strong opinions about situations you’ve never encountered. Your certainty is truly commendable.
- “How much did the adoption cost?”
Asking about adoption expenses is as invasive as prying into someone’s financial history. Instead of focusing on money, perhaps compliment the child or express your congratulations.
- “Do you think they’ll grow up to be communists?”
Seriously? We’ve adopted from China, yes, but our children are now U.S. citizens. My primary concern is their happiness and growth as individuals, not their future political affiliations.
Curiosity isn’t inherently negative, but it’s crucial to gauge the appropriateness of your questions based on your relationship with the person. If you wouldn’t approach a new mom with a hefty baby and comment on the delivery process, perhaps it’s wise to think twice before asking personal questions of a family that stands out.
In summary, it’s all about respect. Being considerate and mindful can go a long way.
For more on parenting and family, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy or learn more about at-home insemination at Make a Mom and Intracervical Insemination.