Growing up, my father was distant and uncommunicative. He rarely engaged with my siblings and me; instead, he often exuded a cold, grouchy demeanor shaped by his own experiences with an abusive father. This emotional detachment left me without a solid model for fatherhood. As I prepared to become a dad, I faced the challenge of breaking free from this cycle and ensuring my child had a nurturing father figure.
When we operate on “cruise control,” our actions often reflect the unexamined patterns instilled in us during childhood. For instance, when my young son excitedly asked, “Dad, do you want to play cars?” my immediate internal reaction was dismissive, echoing the voice of my own father. Yet, I had made a conscious decision to be a better father than the one I had known.
Instead of succumbing to that automatic response, I took a moment to reflect on the kind of father I aspired to be. Questions like “What kind of dad do I want to be?” and “What does my son truly deserve?” guided my response. Ultimately, I replied with enthusiasm, “Absolutely, let’s play!”
At first, engaging in play felt foreign to me, as I was used to solitary playtime due to the age gap with my siblings. However, as I immersed myself in the moment, the initial awkwardness faded, and I began to genuinely enjoy the time spent with my son.
By choosing to be the father my child needed, I shifted from cruise control to a more intentional approach to parenting. This requires effort, but it is vital to recognize that many of us do not come from healthy family backgrounds. Our automatic behaviors often stem from past experiences, but with practice, we can learn to pause and ask ourselves how we want to respond in various roles—be it as a parent, partner, or friend.
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In summary, the journey of fatherhood can be transformative. By consciously choosing to break from inherited patterns and actively engaging in our children’s lives, we can foster a nurturing environment that they truly deserve.