Recently, a friend of mine shared her discomfort regarding the unsolicited comments her four-year-old daughter receives from men while they are out. Initially, I thought these compliments were harmless, but upon hearing her reenactment of the men’s comments—the squinty eyes, the exaggerated “so pretty,” and the inappropriate tone—I realized she was right. Any woman can discern the difference between a genuine compliment and an unsettling catcall, especially when it’s directed at a child.
To delve deeper into this issue, I reached out to other parents in our Brooklyn neighborhood via a local listserv, seeking their experiences with comments about their children’s appearances. I received 11 responses, all from mothers, about 15 children ranging from 18 months to six years old. Notably, out of the six girls mentioned, three had already faced negative comments on the street—ranging from creepy to overtly sexual. One mother shared that a local man consistently tells her daughters, aged 18 months and four years, that they look like Mae West. Another mother recounted her frustration over comments directed at her five-year-old daughter regarding her weight, including unsolicited advice like, “You should take her outside every day.” Yes, we are outside right now.
In contrast, the boys received comments too, but they were predominantly positive—more along the lines of “so handsome!” or “adorable!” The most negative feedback came from a red-headed boy who was simply tired of the remarks about his hair.
In summary, my informal survey indicates that 50% of girls between 18 months and six years old have already faced some form of body-shaming or inappropriate comments. This statistic is echoed by the organization Stop Street Harassment, which reports that 65% of women have encountered street harassment, with 10% stating it began at age 12. Holly Kearl, the Executive Director, noted that many women recall such experiences starting around puberty, and some even as early as eight or nine.
It seems that as children reach the age of 8 or 9, when they are often allowed to venture out alone, they become targets for inappropriate attention. This raises a significant question for parents: should we allow our children the freedom to explore their surroundings, or should we keep them close to protect them from potential harassment? Boys, particularly those who don’t conform to traditional gender norms, are also susceptible to such harassment—25% of men report experiencing it, with 14% noting it began by age 12.
I consulted with Dr. Ava Thompson, a sociology Ph.D. candidate at the CUNY Graduate Center, who is researching catcalling and micro-aggressions. She confirmed that unwanted attention often begins at a young age. Dr. Thompson also highlighted that girls in school uniforms are particularly vulnerable, with some facing harassment from men waiting outside schools. Alarmingly, when these girls report the incidents, they are often met with questions about what they did to provoke such behavior.
When considering the issue of comments about children’s appearances, it is essential to recognize that girls and boys are affected differently based on gender, body size, and presentation. Dr. Thompson pointed out that the one group that rarely faces unsolicited remarks are men who adhere to traditional gender norms.
As I reflected on my friend’s experiences with her daughter, my initial thought was that her daughter is exceptionally beautiful, and I found myself thinking that such beauty often comes with a price—street harassment. However, it’s crucial to understand that women and girls of all shapes and appearances face this issue. Even those bundled up in winter clothing can be subjected to catcalls. This behavior is not a reflection of beauty; rather, it serves as a means of control over women who dare to exist in public spaces.
So, what can mothers do in these situations? Dr. Thompson suggests that if you feel safe, you could tell the commenter, “Please don’t comment on my child’s appearance.” This not only advocates for your child but also teaches them that they have the right to define their interactions. Even if direct confrontation feels too daunting, it’s vital to have conversations with your children about these experiences. Help them understand that such behavior is not acceptable and that many others share similar experiences. Bystanders play an essential role too; anyone witnessing street harassment should consider intervening.
When I was younger, I often didn’t have the courage to confront my harassers. But motherhood has pushed me to act in ways that can be uncomfortable yet necessary to protect my children. The next time I witness someone commenting on a child’s weight or making inappropriate remarks about a girl, especially one who resembles Mae West, I won’t hesitate to step in.
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In summary, as parents, we must be vigilant and proactive in addressing inappropriate comments directed at our children. It’s a conversation we need to have to ensure their safety and well-being as they navigate public spaces.
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