Last month, I accompanied my son to a local driving school to enroll him in driver’s education. As the director saw my 15-year-old, he chuckled and remarked, “You don’t look old enough to drive!” He continued, “My 12-year-old niece looks older than you!” While he meant it in jest, such comments are often unwelcome, especially for a teenager. My son, who has always appeared younger than his peers, was not amused.
He first started looking younger when he was around six years old. While his friends shot up in height, he remained on the petite side. His friends began maturing physically two or three years before he did, and he has been frustrated with the differences. “When will I grow taller, Mom?” he often asks, revealing his annoyance with the situation. I reassure him that everyone develops at their own pace and that he is perfect just the way he is. However, that only increases his irritation. He longs to appear his age and wishes people wouldn’t constantly comment on his youthful appearance.
There can be unexpected benefits to having children who are smaller for their age. For instance, they often come across as more intelligent and skillful compared to their peers. My son, who played the piano exceptionally well at age 11, received extra admiration because he looked closer to 8. We also have a friend with a tiny 4-year-old who still wears size 2T clothes. When this little boy speaks with surprising eloquence, it leaves people astonished, thinking, “Wow, he’s such a smart toddler!”
Conversely, I know parents with children who appear much older than their actual ages face unique challenges. These children often encounter unrealistic expectations. For example, my friend’s daughter has been tall for her age since birth. At just three years old, she looked more like a 5 or 6-year-old, leading to harsher judgments when she acted like a typical toddler. Similarly, another friend’s son, who is the same height as his mother, wears clothes meant for much older children, leading strangers to wrongly assume he should behave like a 12-year-old instead of a first grader.
The pressures can be particularly intense for girls who develop early. I once knew a 10-year-old girl who wore a C-cup bra and looked like a teenager at the beach, drawing inappropriate attention and expectations from onlookers.
As a physician, I have gained new empathy for the parents of children with developmental delays, who deal with their own set of challenges. While being perceived as younger or older than one’s age may not be the most pressing issue, it can still complicate everyday interactions. In a society where children are often judged based on their behavior, mismatches between appearance and age can lead to misguided assumptions and unfair expectations.
It gets exhausting having to explain to others that your child doesn’t match their physical size. For example, when my son was dropped off at driving school, I noticed a boy who looked no older than 11 walking in. I exchanged a knowing glance with my son, but he simply smiled at the boy, showing kindness amidst the assumptions.
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In summary, children’s appearances can often be misleading, and it’s crucial for parents and society to understand that age and behavior don’t always align. Embracing our children for who they are, regardless of how they appear, fosters a more supportive environment for their growth and development.