You’ve probably seen the heartwarming videos: mothers enjoying the sun and surf, laughing with their children, radiating joy. The message is clear: “They don’t care about your imperfections. They care that you’re present.” It emphasizes that what truly matters is your involvement as a mom. You wear that swimsuit, despite a body that doesn’t conform to society’s standards. You are their ideal, the anchor they need.
As I step toward the water, I often opt for a loose rashguard, or I simply stay dry. It’s a compromise I’ve made. I remind myself that my family doesn’t mind my appearance, so I shouldn’t either. They are the ones who matter most to me. But that doesn’t account for my personal feelings. Deep down, I wish to avoid the gaze of others.
My beach attire consists of a bikini beneath a flowing, sleeveless sundress, paired with oversized sunglasses and a floppy hat. Just before I make my way to the shore, I instinctively suck in my stomach. In a hurried motion, I shed the hat and dress to slip into a black rashguard. I always choose bikini bottoms that tie, ensuring they don’t dig into my hips. Then, I rush toward the water, submerging myself to my thighs.
The body positivity movement encourages me to embrace my flaws: my soft belly, rounded hips, jiggly thighs, and less-than-perky backside. After all, they are part of me, and I should practice self-love. I believe that all bodies possess beauty, not just the slender figures portrayed in media. I see women who are larger than me and think, “She’s stunning.” But when it comes to my own body, I struggle to apply that same perspective.
Perhaps it stems from my upbringing as the “skinny girl,” a label that my family praised. “You’re so thin,” they would say, as if it were synonymous with cuteness. My sister, with her long blonde hair, was deemed the pretty one, so I clung to being skinny like a lifeline. We all carry stories of beauty thwarted and self-worth challenged. Those moments when someone called us ugly, or when a loved one suggested we could lose a few pounds, linger in our minds. The first time we noticed our thighs touching, the weight of a number on the scale – all these experiences shape how we see ourselves. Pregnancy added a new layer to this narrative, transforming our bodies in ways we never anticipated.
Recently, I created a meme that read: “How to get bikini-ready: Just wear a bikini.” I genuinely believe that embracing our imperfections is essential. I admire women with curves, those who confidently showcase their bodies. Yet, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the same beauty. My abdomen hangs like crepe paper, a reminder of the 100 pounds I gained during my last pregnancy. My thighs, pale and speckled with keratosis pilaris, rub together uncomfortably. I wear Spanx frequently, and my backside leaves much to be desired. However, the black rashguard helps conceal my insecurities, and once I’m in the water, I feel a sense of relief.
When it comes to swimming, I often face a dilemma: should I get my hair wet or remain covered? I typically choose to hide. This way, I can enjoy splashing around with my kids, who delight in my playful side, even if it means they see more of my body than I’d like. My eldest always asks, “Mom, can you throw me?” I may not have the strength of their father, but their laughter makes it worthwhile. It’s vital for their happiness, and I’m grateful I make the effort to get in the water.
The rest of the time, I can enjoy the beach in my dress. I can wade with my baby without feeling exposed, collect shells, and build magnificent sandcastles—all while creating cherished memories. They don’t need to see my imperfections to enjoy our time together.
Perhaps one day I will embrace my body more fully. After all, I own a black bikini. With age, the ideal of youthful beauty fades, and I should seize the opportunity while I can. Yet, the struggle continues.
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Summary
This article explores the internal conflict many mothers face regarding body image, especially in settings like beaches or pools. It highlights the importance of self-acceptance while also acknowledging the challenges that come with societal beauty standards. Despite feelings of insecurity, the author emphasizes the joy of being present for their children and creating lasting memories.