Our eldest child, whom I’ll call Lily, possesses an extraordinary talent for music. I understand that every parent believes their child is musically inclined, but Lily truly stands out. She can pick up almost any instrument and start playing almost immediately. As a toddler, she would effortlessly harmonize with the lullabies I sang, and she composed beautiful pieces on the piano without formal training.
At just six years old, Lily expressed a desire to play the violin, inspired by her best friend. After her initial lesson, her teacher remarked, “It’s as if she was born with a bow in her hand. I rarely see such potential.” It was impressive; she was remarkably gifted.
For six years, Lily attended weekly violin lessons. We switched her instructor early on because the first teacher wasn’t a good match, and the second teacher became a favorite. While she enjoyed making music, practicing was another story. By her fifth year, despite her rapid progress, the joy of playing had faded. Lily resisted practice time, longing for a more spontaneous approach to playing rather than the structured routine. It turned into a struggle to get her to practice even minimally. After a few short breaks, it became evident that she no longer wanted to play; she wanted to quit.
We attempted to address what we felt were typical pre-teen sentiments. We discussed how many adults regret quitting their instruments as children. We emphasized the importance of repetition and technique, even when not enjoyable. We tried to encourage her passion for music while also promoting the discipline required for advanced skills. We experimented with different music genres and let her choose what to play, but nothing worked.
Ultimately, Lily remained firm in her desire to quit. Recognizing that her passion for music was diminishing, we decided to let her step away. After investing countless hours and resources, we accepted her choice. No more lessons, no more nagging about practice. We kept her violin with the hope she might return to it someday, although we were uncertain if we had made the right call.
For a year, she hardly touched the instrument. In the following year, she dabbled with Irish fiddle music and occasionally revisited some classical pieces. Then, three years after quitting, she surprised us with a revelation: “I kind of miss playing the violin,” she said one day, “I wish I hadn’t quit.”
Interestingly, her motivation to return stemmed from her aspirations for college, where she realized a music scholarship could be within reach. We had since relocated, so we found her a new teacher, who has been fantastic. Although she still doesn’t love practicing, she is flourishing once again.
Navigating decisions for our children can be daunting, especially when it comes to letting them make significant choices. Many parents face similar dilemmas, be it with music, sports, or other activities. We grappled with many unanswerable questions, often driven by fear. How do you discern if a child is merely experiencing a temporary dip or truly needs a break? What if we allowed her to quit and she later resented us? What if she simply needed a push? Would those six years spent learning and the money spent be wasted if she never picked up the violin again?
In the end, we chose to trust Lily. We believed that our relationship with her and her connection to music were more important than forcing her to continue something she was beginning to dislike. If she was meant to pursue music further, it would have to come from her own desire and initiative. We decided to step back completely, trusting that if it was truly her passion, she would return when ready. And she did.
Not every child returns to an activity after quitting, and that’s perfectly acceptable. We recognized that Lily was making a substantial choice and would need to face the consequences, whatever they may be. I’m grateful we allowed her to decide and that we kept the door open for her to reengage when she was ready. Even if she hadn’t chosen to return, I believe we handled the situation correctly.
Recently, she performed for the first time in four years, and unsurprisingly, she was brilliant. She felt proud of her performance, and so did we. More importantly, we were thrilled that she took responsibility for this aspect of her life, took a break when needed, and followed her instincts when it came time to make music again.
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Summary
In summary, allowing our daughter to quit music lessons turned out to be the best decision for her. It provided her space to rediscover her passion for music on her own terms. After a break, she returned to playing the violin, driven by her own motivations. This experience taught us the importance of trusting our children’s choices and prioritizing their relationship with their passions.