Updated: June 20, 2016
Originally Published: June 20, 2016
My partner, Mark, seems to have it all together, and honestly, it can be frustrating. He’s the type who meticulously notes everything down, never misses a deadline, and always remembers to replace the air filter. His closet is pristine, and there isn’t a single forgotten snack lurking in his car. Mark has a remarkable memory, and he rarely forgets anything. He’s essentially my polar opposite.
Outwardly, I might seem organized, but in reality, my life resembles a chaotic scene from a post-holiday sales rush. Laundry piles up constantly, my car could probably sustain an entire village with its forgotten food, and I often find myself extinguishing the fires caused by my adolescent and pre-teen children. To put it plainly: I feel like I’m falling short on most days.
Before becoming a mother, I excelled at adulting and keeping track of details. I had detailed lists, a consistent routine for laundry, and my car was always clean. I even wore makeup daily, and when I donned yoga pants, it meant I was genuinely heading to a workout. I prioritized intimacy with Mark, ensuring he always felt valued.
However, somewhere amidst the transition from diapers to braces, I lost my grip. And it seems that regaining it isn’t in the cards for me anytime soon.
When we decided to start a family, my financial situation allowed me to be the primary caregiver, and I willingly took on daily chores, relishing the chance to avoid wearing “real” pants. I assumed my skills would seamlessly translate into running our little family unit, believing my role at home would be just as significant as Mark’s outside.
Initially, it worked well. But as motherhood set in, chaos ensued. The Lego piles began to overflow, tantrums disrupted my dishwasher duties, and playdates extended well past naptime. The constant demands of my kids obliterated any semblance of a routine I once had. For someone who thrives on control, it felt like discovering that Starbucks had gone caffeine-free. And let’s not forget the laundry—it just never stops.
Now, thirteen years into this parenting journey, I often feel like I’m not keeping my part of the bargain. Mark excels at his responsibilities—providing for our family, remembering crucial details like bills, and ensuring my car has enough gas. He’s just as busy as I am, sometimes even more, yet he never falters in supporting our family or me. On days when he returns to a home that resembles a disaster zone, I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. Sometimes, I have to overlook the dishes while I deal with insurance issues, and on other occasions, laundry takes a backseat due to unexpected pet mishaps. I strive every day, wishing I could consistently offer my family clean underwear.
Despite my struggles with daily tasks as a stay-at-home parent, I’m learning to be kinder to myself. I prioritize my family daily, and thanks to my medical training, I’m quite adept at managing the daily crises my children create. They always have what they need, just not as far in advance as I used to manage, and that’s perfectly okay.
Marriage isn’t about achieving perfection every day. It’s about waking up each morning with the understanding that both partners are giving their best effort. Mark knows I work hard from sunrise to sunset and has learned to find humor in my mistakes. He never expects me to be flawless and never makes me feel inadequate. When he looks at me across the chaos of our home, just as he did two decades ago when I was an organized whirlwind, I realize he loves me for who I am, not for my ability to manage lists.
Every relationship has that partner who holds everything together, and I’m proud to embrace that role. Glue can be messy, sticky, and sometimes overused; it’s essential to find the right balance. Glue can hide a multitude of imperfections and restore even the most broken items. So yes, I’m the glue in our relationship, the kind that can fix even the messiest situations. And Mark is stuck with me, flaws and all.
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Summary:
Parenting can often feel overwhelming, especially when balancing daily responsibilities against the demands of family life. The author shares her journey through the challenges of motherhood and the feeling of inadequacy, while emphasizing the importance of understanding and support in a marriage. It’s a reminder that perfection isn’t the goal; rather, it’s about doing the best we can and accepting each other’s flaws.