In 2014, I encountered a heartbreaking situation when I lost my twin daughters shortly after their birth. The joy of expecting two little ones turned into an overwhelming sorrow that none of us could have anticipated. While the intentions behind certain remarks can be well-meaning, they can often deepen the pain. As a medical professional, I’ve seen how these phrases can affect grieving parents. Here are five things to avoid saying to someone who is mourning the loss of a child:
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase can feel dismissive to parents who have lost a child. Life is often unpredictable, and there are instances where no explanation suffices. During my own experience, I questioned why such tragedy befell me. A wise mentor I spoke with once said, “God doesn’t give us only what we can handle; He helps us cope with what we receive.” This perspective has guided me through my grief.
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“They are in a better place.”
While this sentiment may be intended to provide comfort, it can feel quite the opposite. As parents, our natural instinct is to want our children close to us, not separated by death. The longing to hold my daughters again is a pain that words cannot heal.
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“At least you have some children left.”
Hearing that one surviving child makes up for the loss of siblings can be deeply hurtful. While I am grateful for my beautiful son, the absence of my daughters is a void that cannot be filled. My son should be sharing his childhood with his sisters rather than just remembering them through photos.
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“You’re still young; you can always try again.”
This comment fails to recognize the emotional and physical toll that comes with pregnancy loss. Many parents endure long paths of infertility or other challenges. For some, the pain of trying for more children can be too daunting. After my traumatic delivery, the prospect of adding to our family felt terrifying.
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“I can’t imagine how you cope with this loss.”
While this may be intended as a compliment, it serves as a painful reminder of the magnitude of grief. Many days, I too wonder how I continue on. We adapt and find ways to navigate our new reality, but the sorrow remains.
Instead, when supporting a grieving parent, focus on simply being present. Let them know you are there for them. Use their children’s names; mention them, and don’t shy away from asking questions. Talking about my daughters, even in their absence, brings light into my darkness and keeps their memory alive.
If you’re interested in more about the journey of parenthood, including resources on pregnancy, check out womenshealth.gov/pregnancy for valuable information. For couples exploring options in their fertility journey, Make A Mom can be an excellent resource. And for additional insights, see this blog about intracervical insemination.
In summary, grieving parents benefit most from support that acknowledges their loss rather than trying to rationalize it. The absence of their children is profound, and respectful recognition can provide comfort.