Want to feel like an inadequate parent? Just read an article or study on sleep recommendations for children. You’ll likely end up feeling like you’re falling short in every aspect of parenting.
Recently, I came across a popular piece that emphasized the necessity of early bedtimes for kids. It was packed with research, theories, and the author’s personal anecdotes, all stressing how crucial it is to get children to sleep early. The headline boasted: “My kids are in bed by 7:30 p.m. without fail. They’re happier and might even be smarter and healthier because of it.”
Great, I thought. That makes me a complete failure. My children have always gone to bed later. We start our winding down routine around 8 p.m., but it usually takes a long time, and they aren’t asleep until 9 or 9:30.
But then I reflected: my kids are smart and healthy. Sure, like all children, they have their moments, but they’re generally well-behaved. Do they show signs of tiredness sometimes? Of course, but it’s not a daily occurrence. Maybe I’m not failing after all. Perhaps, between the toddler’s naps and the older child’s occasional late mornings, they’re getting enough rest. And really, does it matter how they get it? What if they’re not deemed “smart” or “healthy” by conventional standards? How can I be certain that a lack of sleep is the culprit?
Some children are naturally night owls, and mine certainly are. They tend to sleep in later than most. So while research claims that more “restorative” sleep occurs earlier in the night, it’s possible that some kids simply thrive as “later to bed, later to rise” types.
I’ve attempted to shift their bedtime earlier. I’ve initiated our nighttime routine at 7 p.m., taken on the role of a strict commander during their pajamas, tooth brushing, and reading time, aiming to have them in bed by 8. But as soon as the lights are off, the questions flood in: “Mom, how far away is the sun? Why doesn’t Sarah want to play with me anymore? What happens when you die?”
I can’t ignore these inquiries, right? While I’m not about to deliver a full lecture on astronomy, friendship, or existential dilemmas, those heartfelt questions seem to arise at 8 p.m. in our home. This time is invaluable to me, and I’m perfectly fine with extending it, even if it leads to a later bedtime.
Moreover, there are practical reasons for us to maintain our current schedule. My older son attends school, returning around 3 p.m. After he unwinds with a snack and some screen time, we have dinner, followed by homework, and then it’s time for Dad to come home. By the time we wrap everything up, it’s already 7 p.m.
The time my kids spend with their dad is essential to us. While some parents are comfortable with putting their kids to bed before their partners return, we prefer to wait. Not only do I want my children to enjoy some playtime with Dad before night falls, but he’s also an integral part of their bedtime routine. In fact, they’ve gotten so used to both of us tucking them in that if he arrives home late, they struggle to fall asleep without his presence.
Is this a bad habit? Perhaps, according to some. Maybe everything we do is riddled with bad practices, poor sleep associations, and excessive hand-holding. Not only do we allow our kids to go to bed later, but we also lie down with them until they drift off if they need that comfort.
Oops, I guess I’m breaking the “sleep code” there.
Ultimately, every family needs to determine what works best for them. If early bedtimes suit your family, that’s fantastic! But if you find yourself with night owls like mine, know you’re not alone. Research is just that—research. It’s all theoretical. Next week, another study might emerge claiming that late bedtimes can produce child prodigies.
When it comes to sleep (and all things parenting), I believe in doing what works for you and your children. Anything else can just create unnecessary stress.
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In summary, embrace what works for your family, whether it’s early bedtimes or late ones. Prioritize comfort, love, and understanding over rigid guidelines.