Yesterday, I shared a picture of my youngest child, a spirited 2-year-old named Lily, swinging joyfully in the park. With her golden hair and vibrant blue-green eyes, she resembles my mother at the same age. I mentioned this in my text, and my mother replied with an enthusiastic “LOL, absolutely!” Although she only embraced smartphone technology a couple of years ago, it has undeniably transformed our relationship for the better.
To say our relationship has been uncomplicated would be misleading. Our history is far from simple. When I was just 12, after my father left and before he passed away, I made the decision to move out while my mother was at work. The circumstances were tumultuous, and I felt overwhelmed. I bounced between homes, ultimately living with my paternal grandmother, a woman my mother did not approve of.
This backdrop has heavily influenced our relationship, and now, at 33, I yearn for my mother to be a part of my children’s lives. However, our conversations often carry the weight of past grievances, making it difficult for her to fully step into her role as a grandmother. I want my children to know her, yet the distance between us—she lives in Utah while I’m in Oregon—compounds the challenge. In the seven years since my family relocated, she has visited my children no more than a handful of times.
Instead of having difficult discussions, I have opted for a different approach. I send her pictures of my children playing or enjoying ice cream several times a week—those joyful moments that every grandmother treasures. Occasionally, I share videos of them being silly or engaging in sports. Our text exchanges are brief but meaningful. She often requests that I convey her love to the kids and sometimes sends photos of her own life to share with them.
While this may seem strange to friends with more conventional parent-child relationships, for me, this is the most positive interaction I’ve had with my mother. The past tensions seem to dissipate in our digital exchanges, allowing us to communicate without the awkward silences that often accompany conversations about unspoken issues. My children remain blissfully unaware of the underlying complexities, and yet, my wife has noticed that our interactions feel strained during video calls.
Recently, my mother joined Facebook, and while she may be a bit late to the game, it appears to invigorate her spirit. This new avenue has enabled us to engage even more—she comments on my posts, and I respond to hers. My kids have become curious about her online presence, often asking to see what Grandma is sharing.
None of this is ideal, and I acknowledge that relying on text messages and social media isn’t what either of us envisioned for our relationship. However, after years of navigating our complicated past, I view this as a positive step forward. It inspires me to improve my relationship with my own children, fostering a nurturing environment. I remain hopeful that these digital connections with my mother could signify a turning point, leading to a more profound bond where we can share advice and love freely, without the shadows of the past.
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In summary, while my relationship with my mother is not without its challenges, embracing technology has opened new pathways for connection that may ultimately pave the way for healing and growth.