Dear Overwhelmed Mom,
I completely understand what you’re going through. Between nursing an infant and managing toddlers who seem to have an endless need for attention, your personal space is virtually nonexistent. Your preschooler might cling to you like a lifeline, and nightly disruptions from feedings, nightmares, or other parenting struggles can leave you utterly drained.
You’ve experienced the constant physical contact—being hugged, kissed, and snuggled all day long. At the end of it all, the idea of engaging in sexual intimacy can feel more like a chore than a pleasure.
Trust me, I’ve been there. After the arrival of our first child, my libido took a significant hit. We ended up having two more kids unexpectedly, but during those early days, I often engaged in what I now refer to as “obligation intimacy.” The desire for physical closeness was largely absent—let’s say about 97% of the time.
It was tough. I often felt guilty for denying my husband, who was understanding but struggled to comprehend the depths of my lack of desire. It wasn’t merely a matter of not being in the mood; I actively wanted to avoid intimacy. The mere thought of it felt overwhelming.
Physical affection is some people’s love language, and while I enjoy it to a point, I reached my limit pretty quickly. With three kids, particularly the youngest two who are exceptionally affectionate, I found myself longing for space, particularly as the evening approached.
My husband and I navigated the challenges of intimacy amidst this whirlwind of parenting. While I felt emotionally connected to him, the physical aspect just felt impossible. By the time the kids were finally in bed, I was more inclined to relax than engage in an intimate act. For him, sex was a way to unwind, but for me, it required energy I simply didn’t have. The thought of it was overwhelming, and all I wanted was to rest.
However, I want to reassure you—it does get better. My youngest is now six, and I’m glad to share that my desire for intimacy has returned over the last couple of years. Yes, truly! I once wondered if I would ever regain that sense of longing for physical closeness, and after consulting with my doctor, I learned that my feelings were completely normal. Hormones, sleep deprivation, and the upheaval that comes with having a baby can all contribute to a diminished libido.
Here are some strategies that helped me during those challenging years that might assist you as well:
- Plan Ahead: While it may not sound romantic, scheduling intimate moments can be incredibly effective. It allowed me to mentally prepare and ensured that intimacy didn’t slip my mind altogether. Sometimes, even just acknowledging it helped keep the spark alive.
- Open Communication: My husband and I had many discussions about our needs and expectations. We found a middle ground that, while not perfect, allowed us both to feel heard and respected.
- Express Affection in Different Ways: I made it a point to show my love through words, thoughtful gestures, and non-sexual physical affection. This helped reinforce our emotional bond and reminded my husband that my lack of desire wasn’t a reflection of my feelings for him.
- Just Go for It: Occasionally, I would initiate intimacy even when I wasn’t in the mood. Surprisingly, sometimes the act itself would help reignite my interest. I saved outright rejections for when the thought of intimacy truly repulsed me.
- Remember, This Phase Will Pass: While I can’t promise you’ll find your desire for intimacy overnight, know that many mothers experience this low libido as a temporary phase, and it does improve. You may even find yourself initiating intimacy again!
You are certainly not alone in your feelings—many women face similar challenges with their sex drive after having children. Be kind to yourself; your desire will return, and when it does, it will be a wonderful resurgence.
Warm regards,
A Mom Who Found Her Groove Again
For more insights on navigating parenting and intimacy, consider exploring this related article on our blog. If you’re looking for information on improving fertility, this resource offers valuable tips. Finally, for assistance with pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource.
Summary
Motherhood can often lead to unexpected challenges, particularly regarding intimacy. Many women experience a reduced sex drive after having children. Open communication with your partner, scheduling intimate moments, and expressing affection in non-sexual ways can help. Remember, this phase is temporary, and your desire for intimacy will return.