We’ve all experienced it. You’re racing against the clock, juggling errands or heading home to prepare dinner when suddenly, your child erupts into tears over something seemingly trivial—like the wrong song playing on the radio or, in the case of my three-year-old, lamenting the absence of a whole cracker in their snack cup.
Typically, my instinctive reaction is to dismiss these outbursts, urging them to “get over it” or highlighting the more significant challenges in life while cranking up the radio volume. However, a child psychotherapist suggests that the solution to minimizing tantrums may not lie in perspective but rather in acknowledging the child’s feelings, no matter how minor the issue appears.
Recently, when Laura Jenkins, a writer for the local news, picked her son up from school, she found him on the brink of a meltdown because a prize from a school fundraiser had not arrived as expected. Instead of resorting to her usual strategy of downplaying the significance of a delayed frisbee, Jenkins decided to empathize with him, agreeing that the situation was indeed disappointing. To her surprise, his tears quickly subsided, and he moved on, asking for a piece of gum.
Over the following days, Jenkins maintained this approach, validating her children’s feelings when they were upset. She observed a notable trend; when she acknowledged their frustrations, they seemed to recover much more quickly than when she attempted to rationalize the situation. Curious if she had uncovered a new method for managing tantrums, Jenkins reached out to Emma Harper, a child and adolescent therapist and author of “The Joyful Child Handbook: Nurturing Happiness in a Stressful World.”
Harper explained that validating a child’s emotions during a potential tantrum can prevent it from escalating. “Children often feel unheard and misunderstood,” she noted. “When we meet them at their level—saying something like, ‘That’s really tough’—they often respond with relief, feeling like someone truly understands them.” The focus is not on solving the problem but on making the child feel acknowledged. “You’re not fixing the situation or changing what’s happened,” Harper said, “but you’re allowing them to feel upset.”
While it may seem trivial to sympathize with my child over the loss of a stuffed toy when they have a collection of other toys, there is truth in the idea that feeling heard can offer comfort, even if the circumstance remains unchanged.
Just as I often find myself venting to a friend about the chaos of our homes and the antics of our kids, finding someone who understands our minor frustrations can be incredibly therapeutic. While such empathy won’t clean up the toys or wash the dishes, it does create a sense of relief and connection. If the simple act of feeling understood helps me manage my own frustrations, perhaps it can be effective for children too. Traditional methods like yelling or ignoring tantrums have proven ineffective, but maybe a little empathy truly is the key to reducing these emotional outbursts.
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In summary, acknowledging children’s emotions during tantrums can lead to quicker resolutions and fewer outbursts. By validating their feelings instead of dismissing them, parents can create an environment where children feel heard and understood.