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Parenting
Help, I’m Raising a Challenging Child!
by Dr. Emma Thompson
May 26, 2023
As I walk through the toy section of a local store with my 4-year-old son Max, he suddenly declares, “I want that Lego set! I have enough money!”
Max’s piggy bank holds approximately $2, so I gently explain that it’s not enough for the Lego set.
“But I really want it!” he exclaims, desperation creeping into his voice. I can see the emotional storm brewing; his eyes widen, and his jaw tightens. The inevitable meltdown is on its way.
“I – want – those – Legos!” he scream-cries, and soon he’s in a full-blown tantrum, sobbing loudly, “I want them!” Despite my sympathy, I feel a surge of frustration. Why can’t he manage his emotions better? Why can’t he accept “no” like his siblings?
Max is what many refer to as a challenging child. His emotions can escalate quickly; he’s prone to shouting, clinging, and even hitting. He’s incredibly stubborn; when he refuses to eat, not even the best arguments could convince him to try a peanut butter sandwich. His frequent meltdowns are exhausting, and I often find myself wishing I could make him understand without resorting to frustration.
At times, I felt resentment. It’s a complicated mix of love and frustration—many parents of challenging children can relate. Although I typically favor gentle parenting techniques, I admit to having spanked him during moments of anger, which only proved ineffective.
Over time, we discovered strategies that worked for us. While Max’s stubbornness hasn’t disappeared, it has become a manageable aspect of our lives. Now, instead of anticipating the next outburst, I’m able to enjoy my son again. If you’re struggling with similar challenges, know that you’re not alone, and there are practical ways to help.
Establish a Daily Agenda
Providing Max with a clear idea of the day ahead helps minimize tantrums. Children often feel anxious when they don’t know what to expect. For Max, I outline our day: “First, we’ll go to the grocery store, then Target. Afterward, we’ll have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and your friend will visit until 4 o’clock. You can watch TV afterward, and Daddy will decide dinner.” This structure gives him a sense of security.
Embrace the Tantrum
Recognize that tantrums will happen, sometimes in public. It’s okay to experience judgment from others. There will be moments when leaving is necessary and others when staying is more beneficial.
Ask Questions
“Do you want to be upset alone or with me?” Max usually responds, “With you!” I pick him up, and while he cries, he feels secure and understood. This approach isn’t about rewarding poor behavior but rather helping him navigate his emotions. When he’s too upset to respond, I let him know, “I’ll check back when you’re calmer.” Understanding his needs in these moments is crucial.
Utilize Touch
Never underestimate the calming power of touch. When giving a direction, a gentle touch can focus their attention and make them more receptive.
Offer Choices
If you anticipate a struggle, such as which shoes to wear, let them choose between options, like the red or green pair. This strategy can help avoid potential triggers.
Cleaning Can Be Tough
For many parents, asking a child to clean results in a tantrum or outright refusal. Make it clear: “If you can’t clean up, I can’t keep your toys.” This may lead to a significant meltdown, but it’s an opportunity to repeat the lesson. You might consider removing a toy if it’s left out repeatedly. While it sounds harsh, it can be effective. Remember, cleaning tasks can be broken down into smaller chunks, like “Let’s clean up the blocks,” rather than the more overwhelming “Clean your room.”
Raising a challenging child can test your patience, but it can also bring moments of sweetness and love. You may feel isolated in your struggles—the tantrums, the defiance, and the emotional rollercoaster—but rest assured, you’re not alone. Caring for a spirited child requires extra self-care; don’t forget to take breaks for your well-being. Engage in activities you both enjoy—Max and I love cuddling on the couch while watching our favorite shows. Staying connected is essential. Remember, while this phase may be difficult, it will eventually pass.
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Summary
Navigating the challenges of raising a difficult child can be overwhelming, but embracing their unique temperament and establishing routines can foster emotional security. It’s essential to remain connected with your child while also prioritizing self-care. Remember that you’re not alone in this journey.