Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about placing a personal ad—not for love, but in search of a best friend. Someone who truly understands me. Sure, I can find plenty of other married mothers in their forties to spend time with. They exist, even in my suburban neighborhood. But as I begin to outline what I’m looking for, I realize my criteria become incredibly specific: married for nearly twenty-five years, with kids aged three and five, liberal values, a military background, and a passion for writing erotic romance. It’s at this point that I realize I’m drifting away from the typical peer group. By the time I mention my writing career, I can almost hear the crickets chirp.
I cherish the diversity of my friendships. As a writer, I’ve been lucky enough to connect with a wide range of individuals, from hip twenty-somethings who share the same parenting stage to seasoned authors, editors, and bloggers I’ve met at various conferences and through social media. Speaking of social media, it’s been a fantastic way to reconnect with old friends as well. However, while some of my high school buddies are celebrating the arrival of their first grandchild, my husband and I are deep into discussions about Montessori education and college savings plans. While others with young children are lamenting long deployments, my husband is contemplating retirement, and our past separations feel like a distant memory. Our discussions about where to live revolve around finding the best schools for our children while also considering the ideal spot for our retirement.
I’ve always been a bit of an outsider, even as a child. Growing up in a bookless home didn’t deter my love for reading, which blossomed from the very first day I stepped into school. I’ve always questioned norms—wondering why things had to be a certain way and challenging the status quo. Inspired by role models like Gloria Steinem, I believed I could forge my own path at any age. Yet, as I’ve embraced these opportunities, I often find myself feeling like the odd one out, especially when it comes to finding a best friend who shares my unique life experiences.
The term “BFF” feels outdated to me, perhaps a relic of my youth. I’m uncertain about what a woman my age should wear, and I’m not familiar with the typical book clubs or wine-and-cheese gatherings. My wardrobe needs to be kid-friendly, and my social life usually involves my children. When it comes to girls’ night, it might just be me and one close friend grabbing coffee or catching a movie. Forget wild weekends in Vegas for my 50th; by then, my kids will be in elementary school, and we’ll likely celebrate with a simple backyard barbecue. Did I mention I’m an introvert who still enjoys throwing parties?
I’ve experienced growth at various stages of my life. Although I was an exceptional student, it took me four colleges and twelve years to complete my undergraduate degree. I didn’t earn my master’s until I was 40. The children came along when I was 42 and 44. Despite marrying young at 23, my writing aspirations began long before I could even write in cursive. Ironically, the most aged I ever felt was during my pregnancy in August, but most days, I feel surprisingly young amidst a whirlwind of LEGO bricks and family date nights, even as my silver wedding anniversary approaches.
I know I’m not a trendsetter; I’m simply living life on my own terms. While many individuals feel misplaced at certain times in their lives, I know that paths can diverge, even among lifelong friends. I’m not unique in that regard, yet I’ve never encountered anyone who could truly relate to my experiences. Sometimes, I feel like I’m piecing together a life from various puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit together. It’s a life that is deeply rewarding but can feel a bit lonely at times.
Despite the chaos, I’m proud of the life I’ve crafted. I strive to encourage others to embrace their unique journeys, whether it’s going back to college at 40 or taking a week away for a writing retreat without guilt. Yes, there is life—and joy—after children, and yes, you can carve out your own path at any age. I want my kids to embody this spirit of individuality, to challenge norms, and to find their own way.
While my journey may not be conventional or even the best for everyone, it’s mine, and that’s perfectly alright. I wouldn’t change a single thing. But I still hold out hope of finding a friend who resonates with my journey.
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Summary
In adulthood, forming deep friendships can be challenging due to life experiences that often diverge from those around us. While social connections may be plentiful, finding a best friend who shares similar life stages and values can feel nearly impossible. Embracing individuality while navigating parenting and personal aspirations can create a rewarding yet sometimes lonely journey. Despite these challenges, the hope remains to find connections that resonate deeply.
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