Something remarkable recently occurred in my household. My partner and I were cozied up on the sofa—he was browsing the internet, while I was engrossed in a novel. Meanwhile, our kids were energetically bouncing on the couch, tossing cushions everywhere. Suddenly, our youngest collapsed onto a pillow, breathlessly declaring, “I need water.”
Though I heard him, I was too absorbed in my reading to respond. It wasn’t until I felt my partner shift away from me and head to the kitchen that I realized two things: my son truly needed water, and my partner was actually going to get it.
I found myself equally impressed by both my partner’s initiative and my own obliviousness. Admittedly, I leaned toward being proud of myself, but I wouldn’t have reached this point without his guidance. In the past, I often felt frustrated with him for casually playing his guitar in his boxers while I was busy catering to the kids’ needs. I couldn’t fathom how he managed the time to read while I was overwhelmed with little ones climbing all over me. He would engage in online chess matches while I scoured the house for a toy my preschooler wanted. My admiration for his ability to balance fun and responsibilities was often tinged with bitterness, much like a toddler who stomps their feet and mutters, “That’s not fair!”
I often confronted my partner about this, calling him inconsiderate. His response was always along the lines of, “You can’t blame me for your lack of boundaries. If you allowed yourself some leisure time, you wouldn’t be so worn out. Just say ‘no’ sometimes, take a breather, and let’s order takeout. Simplify your life and stop holding me responsible for your choices.” He made some valid observations, and I couldn’t help but agree.
Though it was neither a quick nor easy journey, I began learning from my partner’s example. I started to unwind and take things easier. Now, I can laugh out loud at my book while occasionally tuning out the kids. Surprisingly, my family appreciates me more for it, and I find myself loving them even more.
My partner has always been a fantastic father. Just today, he played a matching game with our son and engaged in two sword fights. He even allowed our youngest to nuzzle against him (it seems he’s become the new source of comfort now that I’m no longer nursing). What’s more, he also prioritizes his own enjoyment. I can’t believe I used to resent him for that. Instead of complaining, I started adopting his approach. I cherish my time with the kids, but I’ve also learned to enjoy my own hobbies. I used to write only during their naps, but now, I can sit at our Little Tikes picnic table while one child pushes a swing and the other digs in the dirt. A little benign neglect doesn’t harm anyone.
Once again, my partner ventured to the kitchen and asked, “Would you like some water?” I was taken aback. It’s clear that doing less can lead to more fulfillment. I’ve come to realize that my partner isn’t selfish; he’s a brilliant source of inspiration.
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In summary, I’ve shifted from viewing my partner as self-centered to recognizing the wisdom in his approach to life. By learning to take a step back and enjoy my own interests, I’ve become a happier parent and partner.