Parenting
Revisiting Middle School in Midlife
By Alex Harper
Updated: June 23, 2016
Originally Published: April 13, 2015
Is it typical to feel like I’m back in middle school at 43? Recently, I shared my concerns about shielding my sixth-grade son from the chaotic world of middle school, but what I’ve avoided addressing until now is my own emotional turmoil regarding my social identity. Am I projecting my child’s experiences onto my own, or is it the other way around? Lately, I find myself feeling just as lost as I did when I was 12.
My middle school years were a challenging mix of loneliness and insecurity, but I was fortunate to emerge relatively unscathed when I reached high school. At my all-girls institution, we managed to navigate through our social struggles by the time we hit ninth grade. Many of the more discontented students left for other schools, bringing a sense of calm to the remaining crowd. Although I faced some friendship challenges in high school, I was lucky to have a few close friends who supported each other.
College was a delightful revelation, filled with a vibrant community of like-minded individuals. I thrived in my singing group, musical theater, and the friendships I formed with my roommates and fellow New Yorkers. Even though my romantic endeavors were often a disaster, my college friends were my anchors, and I cherish those connections to this day.
Sadly, after graduation, my closest friends scattered across the country for jobs, further education, and family commitments. Even when distance isn’t an issue, life’s routine demands often get in the way. While social media keeps some friendships alive, nothing compares to the joy of in-person laughter and conversation. The memories of stolen weekends, brief lunches during busy workdays, and college reunions bring warmth to my heart, but they also highlight the distance that has grown between us.
Some individuals prioritize wealth or professional accolades, but for me, the most fulfilling aspect of life lies in the friendships I cultivate over the years. My family relationships are my top priority, but friendships also hold immense value. I find myself happier with a broad circle of friends, enjoying connections that are meaningful.
Admittedly, there’s a touch of narcissism in how I perceive friendships; perhaps it stems from insecurity. When you spend your days as a stay-at-home parent and writer, devoid of daily adult interactions, these friendships become crucial. Thus, it’s jarring to confront the resurfacing insecurities I thought were long buried.
As your child transitions into middle school, the bonds you’ve formed with fellow parents can become strained. Your friendships often mirror the challenges your kids face. Digital communication intensifies this, as when your son texts about a classmate being unkind, it inevitably affects your relationship with that child’s parents. The emotional weight of these interactions feels burdensome and far more significant than before.
The shift from being deeply involved in your child’s social dynamics to feeling disconnected is unsettling. If your child enters a new school or if fresh faces arrive in the classroom, you might find yourself knowing fewer families than ever before. In a matter of two years, I went from being familiar with every parent in my child’s grade to being a stranger to many. It’s no wonder I feel untethered.
Recently, I’ve had unexpected disagreements with close friends that left me more rattled than the trivial issues we argued about. I’ve experienced bouts of jealousy over friendships showcased on social media—“What a fantastic night at Jamie’s birthday dinner!”—and sometimes, I feel genuinely excluded, reminiscent of feelings from middle school. It begs the question: Am I unconsciously reliving those difficult years?
I strive to stay grounded with the friendships I know are solid, reaching out as necessary to reinforce those connections. I also seek new friendships outside the realm of parenting—what a relief to enjoy camaraderie without the weight of shared parenting experiences! It’s refreshing to engage without discussing our kids, especially as their emotional lives become increasingly complex.
Above all, I remind myself that the advice I give to my son should apply to me as well: This phase, too, shall pass. Like him, I hold onto hope that I will regain my balance soon. I’m ready to move past the middle school drama once again.
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In summary, the journey through middle age can often feel reminiscent of the trials of middle school. As we navigate friendships and personal identity, it’s essential to focus on nurturing those relationships that matter most, while also allowing ourselves the grace to grow and adapt.
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