- “I’m eating for two.” I’ve been avoiding soft cheese, cured meats, coffee, alcohol, and sushi for what feels like an eternity. So, please excuse me while I indulge in this giant Costco cake. Mmm… it’s a mix of guilt and pure bliss.
- “I have a birth plan.” What I really mean is: I’m planning on pain relief, lots of it. Honestly, can I preemptively request a prescription? I’m absolutely terrified! And no, Linda, your horror story about a 12-day labor isn’t helping matters. Time for another slice of cake to ease my nerves.
- “Ahem Ahem Ahem.” I’m using this fake cough to mask some rather embarrassing gas that’s currently making its way through the hallway.
- “I’m having trouble sleeping.” I haven’t experienced two consecutive hours of sleep since week 30. While you’re snuggled up in your comfy bed, I’m up at all hours browsing Amazon for sterilization kits, seriously considering my options to never go through this again. And if my partner dares to complain about my restless nights, let’s just say I might take a DIY approach to a vasectomy with kitchen tools.
- “We’ve decided on a name.” Just because you knew a questionable person with my favorite name doesn’t mean you can voice your opinion! Even if I choose to name my child something bizarre like Adolph Crisco Belieber, your job is to smile and pretend you love it.
- “I can’t see my feet.” Honestly, I can’t see anything below my waist. My grooming routine has gone downhill, and my body resembles a jungle scene from a war movie: overgrown with chaos, and every day is a battle.
- “Where’s your bathroom?” I’m peeing so often that I’ve contemplated adult diapers. However, my digestive system is in a state of turmoil between constipation and sudden urgency. What happens next is anyone’s guess, and it’s a surprise that’s far less delightful than a toy from a dissolvable capsule.
- “Yep, I’m still pregnant.” And yes, I’m fully aware that spicy food, sex, pineapple, castor oil, and nipple stimulation might induce labor. Thanks for the unsolicited advice, random elderly lady in the grocery line, but I’d prefer to avoid any hands-on demonstrations.
- “My dreams have been strange lately.” Just last night, I dreamt of giving birth to a tiny hotdog baby with flippers, only to leave him behind in a store fitting room. If this reflects my future parenting skills, I might just find myself in a straight jacket before the baby arrives.
- “The doctor says that my bump is the right size.” No, I’m not having twins! If your only knowledge of pregnancy comes from a movie, you’d know that women swell in all areas. My cankles have accumulated enough water to extinguish a wildfire. And just a heads-up, if you mention my postpartum figure a month after delivery, I will not be pleased!