“How do you maintain a strong marriage after having kids?” A young couple, eager to learn, posed this question to me recently. They were childless and curious about the challenges that lie ahead.
I chuckled and replied, “Well, you start by keeping track of everything.”
This wasn’t the response they anticipated. Not because it isn’t accurate, but because few people openly discuss it. When conversations about marriage and parenthood arise, the typical phrases are “it’s tough” and “make time for each other.” Rarely do people confess, “It’s incredibly challenging because of the mental tally sheet we keep.”
But if we’re honest, tracking contributions is a common aspect of many relationships. You might monitor who had more sleepless nights, who took on extra chores, who worked longer hours, or who handled the child’s latest tantrum. You might even find yourself counting the number of times you’ve changed diapers compared to your partner. Whether you do this frequently or occasionally, these scores can build up, weighing on your relationship.
Most individuals shy away from admitting they keep score, yet it often emerges in tough times. Whether it’s a new baby, a job change, or any life-altering event, you may find yourself tallying who made the last urgent trip to the store for essentials.
And if a couple claims they never keep score? They might either be dishonest or have achieved a level of marital enlightenment that’s hard to fathom.
The truth is, during challenging times—especially with children—it’s natural to question if your partner is equally burdened. It’s human instinct to feel like you’re the one enduring the most stress. You might think you’ve had more restless nights or faced more demanding days than anyone else in the parenting saga.
This is perfectly normal.
Life is challenging. Parenting is demanding. Marriage has its struggles. However, that doesn’t mean that life and marriage aren’t also incredibly rewarding.
Sometimes, we forget that “hard” is subjective, and that life unfolds in cycles. There will be times that feel overwhelmingly tough, and others that bring immense joy. You may lose sight of these patterns and fall into the trap of comparison.
Eventually, the tally marks become too numerous and burdensome. Exhaustion sets in, and you start to remember the essential truths.
You realize that life is tough, parenting is tough, and marriage is tough for everyone. You recognize that you and your partner are on the same side. You don’t just love each other; you genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
When you exchanged vows, you were essentially promising to remember that, especially during those times when the laundry basket seems to overflow and the competition over who is more sleep-deprived escalates.
“Do you think we still keep score?” I once asked my partner, Mark.
“Yep,” he replied too quickly.
“Do you think we keep score as much as we used to?”
“Nope.”
“Why is that?” I was intrigued. “What changed?”
“Countless arguments,” he said, chuckling.
We laughed, realizing that we had simply grown weary of the scoreboard.
Later, our younger child walked in and asked, “Why are you two smiling?”
“I just really enjoy being around your mom,” Mark replied.
With this memory in mind, when that young woman inquired about sustaining a marriage after kids, I felt no hesitation in admitting that we do keep score. Yes, it can be incredibly tough, but as long as you remember you’re a team, that things will improve, and that your affection for each other remains, your relationship will thrive.
In fact, it might just turn out better than you ever expected.
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Summary:
Marriage and parenting can be challenging, and many couples find themselves keeping score of their contributions. Acknowledging this reality can help partners understand each other better. While life can be tough, remembering that you’re on the same team and still enjoy each other’s company can lead to a healthier, happier relationship.