Despite being in three relationships and married for over a decade, I have never had a true orgasm during intercourse. I always thought it would eventually occur, as if by some magical intervention. First, there was Mark, then David, and finally my husband, John. Yet, nothing ever happened.
One significant issue I’ve come to recognize is my reliance on my partners to figure out how to bring me pleasure. I’ve been what I’d call a “Sexual Bystander,” taking no active role in my own sexual fulfillment. The expectation that partners should instinctively know what I need has led to my ongoing frustration.
My first boyfriend, who was quite experienced, made genuine efforts to help me reach that elusive peak. I was just 19, and we watched “Don Juan DeMarco” together—the film featuring Johnny Depp as a charismatic lover. Afterward, he remarked, “He makes it look so simple,” and we tried our best that night, but still, no success.
It’s important to note that I enjoy sex; I love it. I get close to climaxing, often tantalizingly near, yet I never quite cross that finish line. Interestingly, when I’m on my own, it’s a different story. I can achieve orgasm in under a minute if I wish. Is this part of the problem? Am I so adept at self-pleasure that it has hindered my ability to achieve orgasm during intercourse?
With my second boyfriend, the frustration grew. He struggled with my inability to climax, but we never openly addressed it due to the discomfort in our relationship. Eventually, I resorted to faking an orgasm, poorly, and though he didn’t seem convinced, I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it again. I felt resentful about needing to pretend just to satisfy him.
Then came John. Our relationship has been filled with joy and honesty, and while we’ve explored many avenues of intimacy, I still haven’t experienced orgasm during intercourse. We’ve attempted to tackle the issue, but I’ve shared that the pressure to “fix” the problem often detracts from our enjoyment. Consequently, we settled on a compromise: during intercourse, John assists me with masturbation. While this approach has brought us closer, achieving orgasm through penetration alone remains elusive.
At 40 years old, I find myself grappling with feelings of inadequacy regarding my sexual life. I feel like an “orgasm failure,” which is tough to reconcile with my feminist beliefs that my pleasure is just as important as my partner’s. Why haven’t I advocated for my own sexual satisfaction more vigorously? It’s taken far too long for me to feel empowered to change this narrative.
This year, I’ve resolved to finally experience orgasm during intercourse, and John is fully supportive. I’m diving into research—don’t laugh!—and now all we need is time to practice. As of February, we are still searching for that time, but I am determined, no matter how long it takes.
I deserve to experience climax during intercourse just as much as he does, and the responsibility lies with me to make it happen.
For more information on related topics, visit this resource, or explore this blog post for additional insights.
Summary:
This article reflects on a woman’s journey to understand her sexual experiences and the challenges she faces in achieving orgasm during intercourse. Despite being in multiple relationships and having supportive partners, she has struggled with her sexual fulfillment. By recognizing her patterns and actively seeking change, she aims to reclaim her pleasure and advocate for her needs in the bedroom.