As I sat in the salon last week, my stylist, Sarah, shared her experience during maternity leave. “My husband had a month off, and it felt like a holiday for him,” she recounted. “He went jogging daily and hung out with friends, while my mom cooked for us. He never even changed a diaper!”
This isn’t an isolated story. I’ve heard similar accounts from other mothers. One friend expressed her frustration, saying, “I was the one waking up to feed the baby every night, while my husband slept soundly.” Another chimed in, surprised, “Your husband actually changes diapers?”
Why is it that the burden of caring for a newborn often seems to fall solely on the mother? Having a baby doesn’t magically grant women the ability to thrive on little sleep. My partner contributed to the creation of this little one, so he is definitely going to share in the responsibilities. Thankfully, after my unexpected C-section, he stepped up immediately, offering his unwavering support. Here are some insights from our journey, as a couple who originally had no plans for parenthood, on how we found a harmonious way to navigate parenting without driving each other to the brink.
1. Divide and Conquer
Before our baby arrived, we hadn’t established a parenting plan. I envisioned my perfect little one peacefully sleeping in a beautifully decorated nursery while my husband and I gazed at him lovingly. Instead, we fell into a sleep-deprived rhythm akin to a well-oiled machine without even discussing it. I pumped; he fed. I changed; he cleaned up. I bathed; he prepared the towel. I washed bottles; he rocked the baby. I was exhausted; he took over during nighttime feeds. He dealt with the messy diaper situations; I grabbed the paper towels.
Don’t hesitate to ask your partner for help. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “Can you handle this while I take care of that?” This collaboration allows for more rest, improved mental well-being, and increased bonding time with your baby.
2. It’s Essential to Take a Break
Each evening, I retreat to the bathroom while my husband cuddles with our baby. It’s my personal time. I scroll through Pinterest, catch up on Facebook, and unwind. I genuinely believe that carving out even an hour for myself has preserved my sanity during those challenging weeks of colic.
3. The Hormonal Rollercoaster
If you can explain the emotional upheaval caused by hormones to your partner before you have a meltdown over something trivial, it will save you both a lot of heartache. As a first-time mom, I was unprepared for the postpartum emotional storm. I underestimated the impact of hormonal changes, and my husband often found himself bewildered by my sudden outbursts. After a few apologies and explanations about my emotional state, he began to understand and support me during those moments. It’s crucial to keep your cool for the sake of your baby and for each other.
4. Show Appreciation
Make it a habit to express gratitude. With a newborn in the house, everyone is fatigued. At least one of us is usually covered in spit-up, and at least one of us has had a rough night’s sleep. It’s easy to get lost in the chaos and forget to acknowledge each other’s efforts. A simple “thank you” reinforces that you’re both partners working towards the same goal.
5. Eliminate ‘His’ and ‘Hers’ Tasks
In our household, there are no designated parenting roles. This approach may not suit everyone, but we tackle tasks as they arise. We both change diapers and clean up equally. If something needs to be done, the one who isn’t occupied takes care of it. This flexibility has been vital in maintaining harmony at home, preventing either of us from feeling overwhelmed.
6. Present a United Front
We support each other—always. Breastfeeding was a tough road for me. I persevered for six weeks, despite challenges such as a tongue-tied baby and various infections, before transitioning to formula. When questioned about our choices, my husband stands up for our decisions, explaining how much we appreciate our automatic formula prep machine that allows us to quickly feed the baby and return to sleep.
When people criticize our parenting choices, we respond together, presenting a unified stance. Even if we disagree privately, we discuss it away from the baby to maintain a cohesive front. It’s essential to handle external judgments together, reinforcing that we are in this as a team.
The notion that mothers should shoulder the entire burden of newborn care is perplexing. We often feel guilty that our partners must work long hours, leading us to take on all nighttime responsibilities, even though we wake up at the same time to begin our days with the baby. Just because we have some time off post-birth doesn’t mean our physical and emotional challenges are any less significant.
Mothers must prioritize self-care, both physically and emotionally, to be the best versions of themselves for their children. If that means sleeping in on a Saturday while my husband tends to the baby, I embrace it without guilt. It’s better than him waking up to a frantic baby while I’m napping on the floor.
So when my husband returns home, tired from work, I greet him by handing him our son, whose face lights up with joy. He eagerly takes on his daddy duties. Together, we’ve created this incredible little person, and we share the responsibility of meeting his needs and supporting each other.
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Summary
In conclusion, parenting is a shared responsibility that requires collaboration, understanding, and appreciation between partners. Establishing a united front, dividing tasks, and prioritizing self-care are essential to navigating the challenges of parenthood. Creating a supportive environment helps both partners thrive as they care for their child.