I know it’s been a while since our last appointment. I understand that regular check-ups are vital, and I fully acknowledge that I’ve been slacking on my part. Yes, I should definitely call and set up a time to see you. It’s time to face the music, spread my legs, and embrace the experience like a grown-up.
But let’s be honest, I’m not exactly thrilled about the thought of our next visit, and here’s why.
Uncomfortable Encounters
First and foremost, I’m paying you to examine my most intimate areas. Typically, when someone gets that close, there’s at least a nice dinner or some compliments involved first. Instead, I’m left to sit in an uncomfortable chair, my outfit neatly folded away before you even get a glimpse of it. (Of course, my underwear is hidden away, because we wouldn’t want you to see those while you’re about to be inches from my vagina.)
I go through the trouble of shaving my legs and grooming everything that needs to be groomed, just like any other woman would before such an intimate encounter. But instead of a cozy dinner setting, I find myself alone in your sterile, brightly lit office, waiting for what feels like a swift but nerve-wracking encounter. Okay, I may be in something backless, but it’s also decidedly unflattering and made of paper.
The Ambiance
Instead of enjoying a night out, I’m left staring at framed pictures of flowers while eyeing posters about birth control and the warning signs of various infections. The ambiance is far from romantic—rather, it’s filled with an array of intimidating metal tools, swabs, and rubber gloves. Is this really meant to put me at ease? Because, honestly, it makes me feel more anxious than anything else. Perhaps if we caught a movie together first, I might relax a bit more.
Appreciating Your Expertise
I do recognize the value of your expertise. After all, no one else has ever taken the time to compliment my cervix (thanks, I guess?). But during a routine exam, I’d rather not be fixated on the fluorescent lights above, trying to engage in small talk with someone I hardly know. If you’re going to be that close, I’d like to know your middle name, how many siblings you have, and whether you’re on social media. Here you are, deep into my business while I’m left feeling like a stranger is diving into my personal space.
So, I apologize for the gap in our appointments. I understand that it can be a bit daunting to slip into those cold stirrups and expose myself for inspection. It’s hard to feel at ease knowing that a virtual stranger is exploring areas that even toilet paper avoids.
Grooming Efforts
I wonder if you appreciate the effort I put into grooming before our meetings, or the way I try to mask any nervous gas. It’s not easy to feel comfortable when all I can think about is how exposed I am in front of someone I barely know.
A Suggestion for Next Time
Perhaps next time, you could consider welcoming me with a shot of something strong—tequila, perhaps? That might just transform the clinical feel of that paper gown into something a little more appealing, like a little black dress.
Resources for Further Reading
For more insightful tips on home insemination, you might want to check out this article. And for anyone interested in learning more about the topic, Make a Mom offers an excellent resource on at-home insemination kits. Also, if you’re curious about infertility statistics, the CDC has valuable information.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while I appreciate your medical expertise, I’d love to see a little more warmth and humor in our professional interactions. After all, a little comfort can go a long way in making these appointments less daunting.