Every generation of parents embarks on the journey of “I Will Raise My Kids Differently Than My Parents Did,” only to eventually find themselves veering off course. The initial determination to break away from their own upbringing often gives way to the instinct to simply navigate the complexities of parenthood. This push and pull between wanting to forge my own path and the influence of my childhood is where I currently find myself.
As a child, my parents were incredibly easygoing. My mother, while passionate about ensuring we had a fulfilling childhood, didn’t have the bandwidth to micromanage my every decision. And believe me, I made plenty of mistakes along the way. Her philosophy was straightforward: if I got into trouble, I needed to figure out how to resolve it myself—whether that meant problem-solving, being resourceful, or asking for help when necessary. While this approach ultimately benefited me in adulthood, it made my younger self feel a bit like a free spirit without any real guidance.
There were no discussions about budgeting, no enforced bedtime, and no nagging reminders to eat my greens. Instead, we focused on the importance of female empowerment, education, and strong values, but I lacked clear boundaries. Thankfully, my natural caution kept me from crossing any serious lines.
Now that I’m a parent myself, I find my approach has shifted dramatically. Compared to my mother, I’ve become quite the strict parent. I monitor my children’s sugar intake, enforce a rigid diet, and ensure they are in bed by precisely 7 p.m. Not once have I allowed them to attend a playdate without either my husband or me supervising. I oversee their homework, and I’m the persistent voice at the pediatrician’s office, the school, and the dentist. In short, I embody everything my mother was not.
And you know what? It’s exhausting.
Recently, I had an enlightening moment when I realized I had morphed into a Tiger Mom out of fear that my kids would feel neglected, just as I sometimes did. The tasks of cooking, cleaning, and planning social activities became overwhelming priorities, stripping the joy from my parenting experience. I found myself snapping at my kids when they didn’t meet my stringent expectations.
So, I decided it was time to seek a balance. But how? While observing myself micromanaging everything from household chores to meal plans (why was I folding underwear, anyway?), I recognized that I needed to start slowly and discard some of my most overbearing behaviors. The cleaning could happen without me having a meltdown over minor messes. I could allow my children to have a say in their dinner choices instead of adhering strictly to my pre-planned menu. Most importantly, I could—dare I say it—let my oldest child spend time at a friend’s house without hovering.
Finding this balance has become my top priority. Learning to relax and giving my children the freedom to enjoy themselves while I practice ignoring a bit of chaos will undoubtedly make me a better mom.
I no longer aspire to be a Tiger Mom, nor do I want to revert to being a Passive Mom. Like many parents, I’m carefully navigating the unpredictable waters of motherhood, not quite sure of my course.
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In summary, my relaxed upbringing has profoundly influenced my parenting style, leading me to be more controlling than I ever intended. Recognizing the need for balance is essential as I strive to create a nurturing environment for my children while also allowing them the freedom to grow.