“Just appreciate that you have two healthy boys.”
“Well, you could always try for a girl later.”
“Gender is just a social construct. Just enjoy your children, no matter what.”
“It’s unfair to your sons to wish for a daughter.”
These are just some of the comments I encounter when I express even a hint of disappointment about not having a daughter. I have two wonderful sons and have decided not to have any more children. This is my family, and I cherish it deeply.
My boys are my everything. I love them more than words can express. I wouldn’t change a thing about them, including their gender. They are perfect as they are, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Honestly, it’s frustrating that I even have to justify my feelings. It would be quite heartless to wish that my sons were different or to wish for a daughter instead. I understand that gender identity can be fluid, and my boys may identify in ways that differ from societal expectations. But right now, they embody the boys that they are, and I accept them wholeheartedly.
However, I also acknowledge that human emotions are complex. Sometimes, despite all my rationalizations, I find myself longing for a daughter. It’s an emotional pull that can’t be dismissed. This feeling is valid, and there’s nothing wrong with me for having it. As long as I manage my feelings without burdening my sons, there’s no issue.
I often wonder why people react so strongly to gender disappointment. I feel pressured to hide or apologize for my feelings. But whether you have all daughters wishing for a son or all sons wishing for a daughter, those feelings are real and normal.
Most days, I’m fully immersed in the joys and challenges of parenting. But there are moments that trigger a nostalgic longing for what could have been. Perhaps I see a mother in the park braiding her daughter’s hair or walking alongside her. At those times, I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to have that experience. The thought of missing out on certain milestones, like helping a daughter through puberty or seeing her become a mother, can be quite bittersweet.
But guess what? I’m an adult, and I can handle my emotions. I own my feelings, and I know they are mine alone. I am allowed to feel sad about not having a daughter, even if it’s just occasionally. I can experience multiple emotions simultaneously.
So to address the unsolicited advice:
- Yes, I am grateful for my two healthy sons; I express that gratitude daily.
- No, I will not try for a girl; my family is complete.
- Yes, I understand that gender is a construct, but living in a gendered world means I have feelings about my children’s genders.
- And no, wishing for a daughter doesn’t diminish my love for my sons.
I wish we lived in a world where parents could share their feelings without judgment. It often feels like I have to keep my thoughts to myself to avoid the backlash of opinions. I’ve had to endure comments at grocery stores and unsolicited advice from relatives, which leaves me feeling silenced about my own feelings regarding gender disappointment.
But here’s the truth: I’m a proud boy-mom who sometimes wishes for a daughter. There’s no need to sugarcoat it. No reason for guilt—just life, with its normal ups and downs, and a mix of emotions that come with it.
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In summary, I embrace my identity as a boy-mom while also allowing myself to feel the complexities of my emotions regarding not having a daughter. There is no shame in this experience.