When you find yourself parenting a little one who struggles to master the art of falling asleep, well-meaning friends and family often rush to dispense their unsolicited sleep advice. While a little extra babysitting during the ungodly hours of 2 and 9 a.m. might be more appreciated, you’ll likely find yourself trying out their suggestions. As the sleepless nights add up, you might feel the urge to unleash a whimsical tirade along the lines of, “No! She will not sleep in a box, she will not sleep with a fox, she will not sleep in a house, she will not sleep with a mouse; she just will not sleep at all!”
With that in mind, here’s a non-exhaustive list of methods that probably won’t aid your baby in achieving a full night’s rest—non-exhaustive because, truth be told, I’m too drained to compile a complete one:
- Swaddling
- Not swaddling
- Pacifiers
- Rocking to sleep
- Not rocking to sleep
- Dream feeds
- Skipping the dream feed
- The idea of being drowsy but awake, also known as, “I’m drowsy, but if you dare set me down while awake, I’ll unleash an hour-long scream.”
- A calming bath
- An unexpected bath incident with an older sibling splashing water on the baby
- Sharing a room
- Sharing a bed
- The “cry it out” method
- Bed sharing after a cry it out attempt fails
- Lavender room spray
- An accidental spill of lavender essential oil, causing your home to smell like a French bordello for a week
- Singing lullabies before bedtime
- Acceptable levels of ambient noise
- White noise machines
- Perfect silence
- Neighbors slamming car doors
- Nursing to sleep
- Not nursing to sleep
- Cry it out again
- Any book or online resource ever written on the subject
- Homeopathic teething tablets
- Allowing baby to nap on demand
- Sticking to a strict routine with two naps a day
- Skipping naps
- Car naps
- Stroller naps
- Crib naps
- Holding the baby until your arm goes numb
- A meticulous bedtime routine
- Going to bed on time
- Going to bed early
- Going to bed late
- Waking up early
- Sleeping in late (just kidding—that’s a fantasy)
- Fairy sleep dust made from ground unicorn horns, acquired in bulk from the local co-op
- Cotton pajamas
- Fleece pajamas
- Sleep sacks
- Warm blankets
- Light blankets
- No blankets at all
- A brand new crib mattress
- The alignment of the planets in retrograde
- Rushing into the room at the first whimper before the baby escalates
- Waiting 5 to 10 minutes to see if the baby settles down
- Night-weaning
- Cry it out for a third time
- Not returning the pacifier after it’s been tossed across the room
- Returning the pacifier an hour later
- Bargaining with a higher power
- Attempting to reason with the baby using logic
- Offering cash to the child
If you manage to focus your bleary eyes long enough to read any articles on how to help babies (or toddlers, let’s be honest) sleep through the night, one common theme emerges: time. In every success story, the baby grows older and eventually starts sleeping through the night. Yours will too, and then you’ll find yourself part of a secret society of parents who can say things like, “Enjoy it! It all passes so quickly!” to other sleep-deprived moms at the grocery store. Until that day arrives, keep pushing through. Your baby will sleep eventually. A parent can dream, right? Or perhaps just daydream.
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Summary
Parenting a baby who won’t sleep can be a frustrating experience filled with unsolicited advice. This article highlights a non-exhaustive list of methods that are unlikely to help your baby sleep through the night, emphasizing the importance of patience and time in achieving restful nights.