Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—these stages of grief are not only reserved for loss but can also resonate deeply with those navigating the complexities of food allergies. Who could have imagined that a seemingly innocuous bite of vegan spinach quiche, complete with “creamy cashew cheese,” would plunge me into that initial stage?
The average person may not find themselves salivating at the mention of a vegan eatery, but after my daughter’s dairy allergy diagnosis at just 9 months old, this felt like the best option. There was no need to obsessively sanitize the highchair after a mac and cheese disaster, nor would I have to sneak bites of eggplant parmesan while she enjoyed her homemade meals from Tupperware. This time, she could choose anything from the menu without concern about hidden dairy, and I snapped a photo to commemorate this milestone: my daughter’s first dining experience at a restaurant at 19 months old.
However, one bite of that quiche resulted in hives erupting around her mouth. She rubbed her upper lip, then her eye, which began to swell and water. “Eye hurt, mama,” she whimpered. Thankfully, the reaction subsided quickly. I promptly scheduled a skin prick test with the allergist, all the while clinging to that first stage of denial. Surely, that splash of lemon was to blame—it must have just irritated her delicate skin.
Alas, the allergist confirmed my worst fears—she was allergic to multiple tree nuts. As he launched into a detailed explanation of Tree Nut Allergy 101, I fought back tears. I vaguely recall him mentioning that only about 9 percent of children outgrow this potentially life-threatening condition. He outlined the dangers of cross-contamination and the importance of avoiding bakeries, ice cream parlors, and almost every location associated with childhood memories. The severity of future allergic reactions could not be predicted based on past experiences. I had thought managing her dairy allergy was challenging enough; now, I felt overwhelmed by this new diagnosis.
In the days that followed, I threw myself into pamphlets, books, and online resources, trying to adapt to our new reality. I transitioned from shock to anger, questioning, “Why us?!” It felt unjust. I dreaded becoming a helicopter parent, constantly hovering at gatherings and playdates, ready to snatch food away at a moment’s notice. Family vacations would require meticulous planning, packing coolers filled with “safe foods” instead of spontaneous stops at greasy diners. I would have to scrutinize the treats she earned on Halloween, and suddenly, parties and everyday life became fraught with stress.
When I voiced my concerns, well-meaning friends reminded me how fortunate I was to only have to deal with food allergies. At least it wasn’t cancer, they said. However, this was a lifelong struggle my daughter would face multiple times a day. If she lives into her 90s, she will encounter over 98,000 meals, and I’d only be able to safeguard her during a fraction of those. The teenage years would present the highest risks, with young adults being particularly vulnerable to anaphylaxis. The very foods that could harm her would be seen as harmless or even desirable by her peers.
In search of support from those who understood my experience without minimizing it, I joined an online community for parents of children with food allergies. For two weeks, I lost myself in their stories. I vividly remember the first time I saw a post with 56 “likes” from a mom relieved that the school Valentine’s Day party had been canceled due to a snow day. I read about a young boy treated in the ER after falling into a pile of peanut shells while playing outside. Parents expressed concern as they hoped their children were unwell from a mere stomach bug rather than an allergic reaction. The anxiety was palpable—preteens grappling with OCD and PTSD after severe reactions, toddlers hospitalized after contact with allergens, and mothers mourning children lost to food allergies, all striving to raise awareness. It was utterly heartbreaking.
Just when I contemplated leaving the group, a new member’s post caught my attention. She was distraught after her infant had reacted to traces of nuts in her breast milk, despite following all the recommended guidelines for allergy prevention, including consuming nuts during her pregnancy. I resonated with her pain. As I scrolled through the comments, an experienced member shared a graphic detailing the stages of grief, offering us permission to mourn the carefree lives we once envisioned. I found myself tearing up occasionally—especially when witnessing children enjoying treats like doughnuts in shopping carts or watching commercials depicting kids relishing enormous sundaes.
Now, I find myself in a stage of acceptance. Food allergies are becoming increasingly prevalent, affecting 1 in 13 children. This reality compels schools, restaurants, and airlines to adjust their practices to ensure safety. Researchers are making strides in developing treatments to minimize the risk of severe reactions, and portable allergen detectors are on the horizon, allowing me to analyze suspicious vegan dishes on the go.
Of course, acceptance is often accompanied by a dash of bargaining. I didn’t skip the bargaining stage; in fact, I started bargaining the moment the nurse began the allergy test on my daughter. What I wouldn’t give for a cure or to be part of that 9 percent who outgrow tree nut allergies. Until then, I’ll be the one lingering near the spread at holiday gatherings, stylish epinephrine injector holster on my hip.
This article was originally published on Jan. 30, 2016. For more insights into navigating these challenges, check out this resource and explore this post for additional information. If you’re considering options for home insemination, visit Make a Mom for valuable insights.
Summary:
Navigating food allergies can be an emotional rollercoaster for parents. From denial and anger to acceptance, the journey is fraught with challenges that impact daily life and social interactions. The author shares a personal account of her daughter’s tree nut allergy diagnosis and the subsequent struggles and adaptations that come with it. As food allergies become more common, it’s crucial to seek support and resources while learning to embrace the reality of managing allergies in everyday life.