Updated: Oct. 16, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 29, 2016
Today, I discovered that my son attended his very first Cub Scouts meeting last Wednesday. Yes, five days ago, and I just learned about it.
Ugh. Seriously?
I juggle a lot—work, life, and yes, I even forget my lunch sometimes—but I shouldn’t forget something as significant as my son’s first Cub Scouts meeting. He is my child, and his sister? Also mine. I was the one who organized activities, made appointments, and took care of all kid-related tasks. That was my role, my responsibility.
But now, everything is changing.
I’ve been divorced for over five years, and for most of that time, I managed everything on my own. There was no co-parenting or shared responsibilities, just a single chair at school events, just me and my children. It was exhausting.
His new partner came into the picture swiftly, avoiding eye contact with me—not that I’m particularly intimidating. Our interactions were limited; I only had to deal with her and my ex every twelve days, which meant I didn’t spend much time considering the dynamics of their new family.
I refused to acknowledge them as a family. I was the mother, the sole caregiver. Mine. I channeled my anger into that narrative; he wasn’t there for the kids, so I took on both roles—his and mine. I enjoyed being in control, making all the decisions.
But deep down, I craved help. I needed someone to back me up, to share the load, to remind me to take care of myself. Balancing the roles of both mother and father wore me down.
Adulting is tough. Parenting is even tougher.
With my parents living far away, I relied on babysitters or friends whenever I needed a break. Then, about two years ago, my ex expressed a desire for more time with the kids—first a weekday, then two. I was furious. He had missed so many milestones, and now he wanted to waltz back in like it was nothing.
But I didn’t want to hinder my kids’ relationship with their father, so I reluctantly allowed them to spend more time with him. It felt like a series of ups and downs, with occasional respectful communication, which often devolved into arguments.
He began to involve himself in decisions regarding the kids, and I hated it. When the stepmother bought my daughter a new bra, I lost it.
These children are mine. Not ours. Mine.
Suddenly, they started taking vacations with their father and stepmother, and I was confronted with the reality of shared custody. Memories were being created outside of my influence, which sent me into a tailspin. I had longed for help, but now I felt panic instead.
What if they did things differently? What if they failed? I couldn’t shield them from disappointment if I let them go.
My mind spiraled with doubts: Would they love their step-parents more? All their childhood memories should be tied to me, right? They’re MY kids, my possession.
But wait—who’s really the selfish one here?
Yes, they are my kids, but they are also his. And now, they have a stepmother and a stepfather. Four parents, not just me.
When I reflect on it, I see that my children are simply two wonderful souls who have four adults ready to love and support them. This isn’t a competition. We either win together or risk losing altogether.
I can’t change the past; it’s time to face the present. I can either cling to my resentment or embrace gratitude.
I’m grateful my kids have another loving adult in their lives, someone who chooses to be involved, as I do. I’m thankful for my partner, who is committed to being part of this family. I appreciate that their father is stepping up and actively participating in their lives.
I’m grateful for the chance to take a step back, to find support, and to have time for myself. My kids deserve to create new memories with all their parents, and I want them to have rich experiences as they grow.
It’s an opportunity to redefine relationships and learn what effective co-parenting looks like.
Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone. For more on navigating these transitions, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination or learn more about the home insemination kit that can assist in starting a family. You can also review our terms and conditions for further insights.
Summary
Transitioning from sole custody to co-parenting can be challenging and filled with a mix of emotions. While it’s natural to feel a sense of ownership over your children, embracing the idea of shared parenting can lead to a more fulfilling experience for everyone involved. It’s vital to recognize that your children benefit from having multiple loving adults in their lives, and learning to co-parent effectively can create a supportive environment for their growth and happiness.