On a delightful afternoon last September, I found myself driving through town with my 4-year-old daughter, preparing to tackle a few errands. I was in high spirits: I had recently secured a freelance position after a brief hiatus from work, the weather was stunning, and a romantic dinner with my husband awaited us that evening. As we approached a parking meter, my daughter eagerly prepared to insert the coins, a ritual she cherishes. Suddenly, an elderly gentleman shuffled toward us, and I was unprepared for the words that would abruptly disrupt my blissful day. “She’s adorable,” he remarked, eyeing my daughter. Then, turning to me, he asked, “Are you her mom or grandma?”
Stage 1: Shock
Did I really just hear that? Surely, I misinterpreted his words. Maybe I need a hearing check. Oh my goodness, could I actually be perceived as old? Just look at him—he’s the one who ought to have his vision examined!
Stage 2: Denial
I shook my head in disbelief. How could he think I look like a grandmother? I’ve never encountered such a comment before. Can’t he see that I’m youthful and attractive? Sure, I skipped my shower today, and perhaps yesterday too, but I still feel I look quite good. This must be some sort of prank. My daughter and I resemble each other far too closely for him to think I’m her grandmother. Get it together, sir!
Stage 3: Anger
“What did you just say?” I didn’t vocalize those words, but in my mind, they echoed loudly enough for him to hear. I turned to a passerby who had overheard our exchange and asked, “Am I doing something wrong here?” He reassured me that he would never have assumed I was a grandmother. Exactly! Clearly, that man was just being rude.
Stage 4: Bargaining
Hold on, sir—can I show you my face up close? I don’t have too many wrinkles for a 42-year-old, right? Most people guess I’m in my mid-30s. A woman in her mid-30s can’t possibly be a grandmother, can she? I really should have showered this morning. I promise to make it a habit to shower daily before heading out, and perhaps I’ll put on some makeup. Maybe I should even dress more stylishly, like wearing heels again. Can I still pull off a miniskirt? Should I get a tattoo?
Stage 5: Guilt
Oh no, this man genuinely believes I resemble a grandmother. I should have had kids earlier. I waited too long! There must be countless women my age who are grandmothers. True, I didn’t meet my husband until my mid-30s, but instead of enjoying our time traveling and having fun, we should have started our family right away. Can I rewind time and meet him five years earlier? Some of my friends were already having children by then; I could have joined them. I must be the worst mom ever, and my daughter might end up as the most notorious female serial killer since Charlize Theron gained weight for her role as Aileen Wuornos.
Stage 6: Depression
My life has taken a turn for the worse. Everyone must think I’m my own daughter’s grandmother. Those who say I look young are just being kind. Why even bother trying to look good anymore? I might as well stop showering, forget makeup, and stay in bed forever. But who will care for my child?
Stage 7: Acceptance
So, I’m an older mom. I had my child at 38, which, by medical standards, is considered advanced maternal age. I have plenty of friends in their early 40s who just had their first babies. I’m not alone in this. Remember, Kelly Preston had a child when she was nearly 50! It’s all good—once I find a way to deal with that old man’s comments.
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In summary, navigating societal perceptions about motherhood and age can be challenging. Each stage of the emotional response to being mistaken for a grandparent reflects a deeper connection to our identity as mothers. Embracing this journey, regardless of age, is vital for our well-being and our children’s happiness.