When 2015 began, I didn’t set New Year’s resolutions; instead, I made a commitment to improve myself in various ways, particularly as a mother. Yet, I find myself grappling with shame over how I communicate with my children. While I’m proficient at teaching them important skills—like social etiquette and the nuances of yard work—I often let my frustrations seep in, revealing a less than patient side of me.
I lose my cool when they fail to follow through on daily requests that seem simple, yet I feel like I’m repeating myself constantly.
- Did you brush your teeth?
- Is your bed made?
- Did you hang up your backpack?
- Have you put your dirty dishes away?
Can you relate? I’m sure they must be tired of hearing the same questions day in and day out, and frankly, I am too. I’ve often justified my outbursts by thinking, “I’ve already asked nicely multiple times, they should know better.” But why do I keep playing this nagging game and expect different results?
- Why can’t you just complete these tasks without me having to ask a million times?
- What part of “no” don’t you understand?
- If I have to remind you about this one more time, I swear I’ll lose it!
What I realize is that this is not parenting; it’s shaming. Deep down, that’s not who I aspire to be. I want to be a mother who laughs with her kids, showing them compassion and understanding. I want to create strong bonds that can withstand any bumps in our journey together. Instead, I fear I’m creating distance between us.
How can I cultivate the kind of relationship I desire while shaming them? Parenting should be rooted in love, not coercion. As I confront my own insecurities, I recognize that we often replicate the behaviors we experienced in our own upbringing. This pattern can truly become a “legacy of distorted love,” as highlighted in a recent article I came across.
Brené Brown explores the concept of shame in her book, Daring Greatly, and her words struck a chord with me: “Often, not being good at vulnerability means we’re damn good at shame.” It’s a harsh realization, especially since I can be quite open in my writing, yet struggle with vulnerability in my parenting. I feel the pressure to have all the answers for my children, to guide them flawlessly through life.
But my biggest mistake hasn’t been striving for the unattainable title of the perfect mother; it’s been failing to show them the beauty in imperfection. When my children stumble, I feel as though I’ve failed too. Rather than use those moments to teach valuable lessons, I often create what Brené refers to as a “shame storm” to distract from my own feelings of inadequacy. This reaction only amplifies their feelings of shame, obscuring any opportunities for growth and understanding.
Why isn’t there a manual for this?
After every incident, I find myself reflecting on the aftermath:
- What if I’ve damaged them irreparably?
- What if they look back and wonder how they survived?
- What if they feel inadequate because of my words?
- What if they grow up resenting me?
- What if they can’t afford therapy because of the emotional fallout?
I’m slowly learning that my past does not define me. Brené wisely advises us to “Own the story. Don’t bury it and let it fester or define me… If you own this story, you get to write the ending.”
So here I am, determined to rewrite my story:
- Because I love my children, I will empower them to be strong and independent by living courageously and authentically.
- Because I love my children, I will inspire them to dream big by following my own heart and passions.
- Because I love my children, I will model the importance of strong relationships by embracing vulnerability and being a true friend.
- Because I love my children, I will demonstrate the value of hard work by working alongside them and allowing room for failure.
- Because I love my children, I will teach them gratitude to combat fear and scarcity.
- Because I love my children, I will help them appreciate their own imperfections by sharing my story.
- Because I love my children, I will strive to be a better mom by respecting who they are and parenting with love over shame.
I’m ready for the calm that follows the storm. If you’re also navigating the complexities of parenting, check out this insightful resource on intrauterine insemination for more information. And if you’re looking for practical tools for at-home insemination, this online retailer offers reliable syringe kits. For more reflections on parenting, you can also visit this blog post for additional insights.
Leave a Reply