The evening found me sitting on the hallway carpet outside my son’s room, phone in hand, dressed in pajamas, and my hair a chaotic bun atop my head. I was waiting for my lively 2-year-old to stop his endless giggling, call out, “Mommy, look at this,” and finally drift off to sleep. Technically, I “should” have taught him to settle down independently by now, but let’s face it—“should haves” have become my daily reality.
After an hour, he finally surrendered to slumber. I shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, catching a glimpse of my weary reflection. The woman staring back was just that—a woman—though I often feel like I’m still a child trying to navigate through a chaotic world, figuring things out as I go. My gaze fell to the sink, lingering on a patch of mildew forming where the water flows.
“I can’t seem to maintain control anymore,” I thought to myself.
I wasn’t always like this. My past life was governed by rules and checklists, ensuring I adhered to what was deemed correct—never cutting corners. That was my definition of being a good person, a good mother. But then came the nine months that transformed everything, plunging me into a whirlwind of “should haves” and “good enoughs.”
Those nine months were pivotal in my life—twice over—marked by the pregnancies and births of my two sons. It’s a time filled with bending, breaking, and a blossoming of new life and hope. Yet, nine months can also carry a heavier significance. A year ago, I held my youngest son as he took his last breath, and just nine months later, I found myself in a courtroom finalizing my divorce—a necessary but painful conclusion.
This past year has acquainted me with the harsh reality of pain. Some mornings, I wake up to an overwhelming fog of exhaustion. I navigate through the heaviness of the day, only for it to morph into restless thoughts that keep me up late into the night. If I could stay in my pajamas, binge-watching Netflix all day, I surely would. If meals could magically appear at my doorstep, I would welcome them. If I could hire someone to tidy up my chaotic home, it would feel like a dream.
But I have no choice but to persevere. I can’t abandon my life or call in sick every day or allow my mind to drift into nothingness. I have a sandy-haired, blue-eyed boy who climbs into my bed each morning, whispers, “Mommy snuggle,” and soon tugs at my hand, insisting it’s time for breakfast. Each morning, as I plant my feet on the floor, he looks at me and asks, “Mommy, carry me like a baby.” I remind myself that one day, I won’t be able to lift him so easily. As I hoist his 35-pound frame into my arms, breathing in the scent of his hair, he rests his head on my shoulder.
No matter how little sleep I had the night before or what the day may bring, my love for him overshadows it all. He gives me a reason to push through the day, even when retreating to a quiet corner seems far more appealing. I won’t give in. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I would relish five more hours in bed, but I know that when morning breaks, he relies on me, and I on him to take that first step out of bed.
This past year has sharpened my awareness of life’s fragility. Life can be incredibly challenging, yet it also holds beauty, hope, and sweetness. Those tough moments when it feels like the air has been knocked out of me, or the chaotic times when I feel overwhelmed, are eclipsed by the tender moments spent curled up next to him, singing lullabies, as he wraps his chubby arms around my neck, kisses my cheek, and whispers, “Mommy, I love you.”
Amidst all my “should haves” and “good enoughs,” and the things I’ve let slide through this challenging year, I’ve come to realize that love is what truly matters. This difficult season will eventually pass. While the scars may remain, we will continue to breathe and move forward. Thanks to love, we will be okay.
For more insights on home insemination, check out other informative articles like this one from Home Insemination Kit, or explore resources on artificial insemination from Make a Mom. For those looking into pregnancy options, Resolve provides excellent information on intrauterine insemination.
In summary, even amidst the chaos and unmet expectations, love remains the driving force that sustains us. It’s the one thing that binds us together, helping us to navigate through each day.