It was our tenth anniversary, and I thought it was fitting to give my spouse a gift, so I picked something out. In a moment of frustration, I tossed it at him. That was six years ago, and here we are, still married.
I’m a proponent of divorce. There’s only so much one person can do to hold a marriage together. After navigating some tough years filled with stress and frustration, I find myself still alongside the same partner after more than 16 years.
Offering marital advice can be a tricky endeavor. Every individual and couple faces unique challenges, making it hard to address specific issues. However, I have learned a few key truths along the way:
- At some point, your partner will likely make you feel utterly exasperated. It’s a reality that can be hard to swallow.
- The worries you had at the beginning will often linger, even as life improves. I used to stress about finances, and while we’re stable now, the anxiety about money still creeps in.
- Life is all about change, and that includes both you and your partner. Experiences mold us, and that’s the essence of growth.
- Just as you will evolve, your partner will too.
- Even if you share every moment together (which can be a bit much), you will still change in different ways due to your unique backgrounds and perspectives.
So, how have we managed to stay married? For starters, my partner, David, is genuinely a good man. That makes a significant difference. We complement each other well, despite our contrasting strengths and personalities. I tend to be more energetic and talkative, while David is steady and responsible—qualities I didn’t fully appreciate until after we were married.
David has a remarkable ability to manage his temper, which is crucial for a lasting relationship. We both choose our words carefully, avoiding statements that cannot be taken back. Even in moments of anger, I remain conscious of the long-term effects of my words, and I believe he does too.
There are times I wish David would express more passion or anger. His calm demeanor can be frustrating, but ultimately, it serves our relationship well.
I once wrote an article that involved speaking with various couples’ therapists. Initially, I doubted the strength of my marriage, thinking it could be better. However, after those conversations, I realized we have a solid foundation. The major warning signs of trouble they highlighted—like rolling your eyes during a partner’s speech—are behaviors I can’t imagine exhibiting towards David, even on my worst days.
There was a particularly challenging period, which I refer to as a Very Difficult Year (VDY). Our tenth anniversary fell right in the middle of that tumultuous time. There were moments when I seriously contemplated leaving. I often envisioned the logistics of separation: where I would live, how we would manage parenting duties, and more.
During a family trip to Costa Rica, I vividly remember sitting in the passenger seat, looking out the window, and repeating to myself, “I want to leave.” I was open about my feelings, making me not the most pleasant person to be around.
What contributed to the VDY? David’s inability to complete tasks—a bathroom renovation and pursuing a master’s degree, for example—was a significant source of my frustration. I felt like my concerns were falling on deaf ears; his inaction felt like a dismissal of my value.
Then, I became pregnant. Daily nausea became my constant companion, and I felt trapped. I couldn’t work, existing solely on grapefruit juice. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life.
After the birth of our second child, things didn’t improve much. I faced severe depression, even with treatment. Those months are a blur now.
About 15 months into my struggle, David decided it was time for change. When I later asked him why, his answer was vague, but the tenderness in his expression spoke volumes. He realized he didn’t want to lose me or remain stuck in a marriage that felt more like survival than partnership.
Certainly, there have been other rough patches. David’s inability to manage grocery budgets and his different timelines can be frustrating. But how do you navigate marriage? By persevering and avoiding drastic measures. Focus on the positive traits, even when it’s difficult—after all, you chose this person for a reason.
Should you stay together? That’s a tough question. If both partners are committed to making it work, then yes, give it a shot. Keep trying longer than you might feel comfortable. If either of you is unwilling to put in the effort anymore, then perhaps it’s time to part ways. At least you won’t be leaving things half-finished.
If you’re interested in exploring more about family planning, check out this insightful piece on intracervical insemination. For those looking to boost fertility, Make a Mom offers excellent resources. Additionally, the CDC provides valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs. While challenges are inevitable, commitment, understanding, and a willingness to grow together can keep a relationship thriving.