When you’re a single parent, the comments from well-meaning folks can be quite bewildering. “Are you planning to get married?” “Why haven’t you tied the knot yet?” “If something happens to you, he won’t be able to make decisions in the hospital.” “What if you pass away? He might not be able to arrange your funeral…” “Aren’t your kids going to be confused about why you and their dad aren’t married?” “Legally, you two are like strangers.”
These remarks have come my way more times than I can count. My partner and I have been together for a decade and share two wonderful children. However, society seems overly invested in our marital status. The fact that we haven’t made it legal somehow compels people to offer unsolicited advice—often concerning legal matters.
I often wonder about those who rush to ask why we aren’t married. I’ve seen couples who clearly don’t enjoy each other’s company, couples devoid of common interests, and pairs with conflicting values. When someone says, “If you die, he’s not your next of kin,” I can hardly respond. I’ve never felt the need to tell a married friend, “Your spouse seems pretty clueless. Are you sure your kids will be safe if something happens to you?” Or, “Your wife is very religious. Will she respect your wishes for cremation? You might want to document that.”
It’s worth noting that single individuals can indeed create a will and appoint a power of attorney. Surprised? You don’t have to be married to have your wishes respected by the law regarding your assets and your children after you’re gone.
There are various legal documents available to address all the concerns people raise; that’s not the main issue here. The real concern lies in the assumption that I am somehow irresponsible because I chose not to marry. This assumption is rarely directed at those who are married. I know numerous individuals who have been married multiple times yet seem to avoid the scrutiny that I face regularly. It’s as if having a marriage certificate grants an automatic level of respect, which is puzzling, given that nearly half of those marriages end in divorce.
As for the confusion our children might have regarding our unmarried status, they’re intelligent kids, and the world is evolving. I have no doubt they will understand that not everyone chooses to marry and that marriage is a personal decision.
The only person I feel comfortable discussing these matters with is my sister. She’s the one designated to care for my kids if my partner and I were to meet an unfortunate fate. There’s so much about my married friends’ situations that I don’t know, and I wouldn’t dream of prying; their circumstances are their own. Similarly, what happens in our family if something were to happen to me or my partner is no one else’s concern.
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In summary, the societal pressure surrounding marital status can be overwhelming, especially for those of us who choose to remain unmarried while raising children. The importance of legal documents and mutual respect in relationships often gets overlooked. Ultimately, our family dynamics are our own, and as parents, we know what’s best for our children.