As a full-time working mother, my day starts at 8:30 a.m. and wraps up at 5 p.m. I lead my department and manage a dedicated team. After work, I pick up my children from after-school care, prepare dinner, help them with their routines, and read them bedtime stories. Once they’re tucked in, I tackle laundry, writing, and whatever else needs my attention during my “me time.” My weekends are filled with driving them to dance and swimming lessons, ensuring they have the chance to engage in activities that often can’t fit into our busy weekdays.
This is our daily reality, a routine we follow consistently. It’s not necessarily more “difficult” or “overwhelming” than any other form of motherhood; I’ve experienced being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and a work-at-home mom (WAHM) too. Yet, since stepping into the role of a working mom, there’s one phrase that often gets tossed around that truly irritates me: “I don’t know how you do it!”
While I understand that this remark comes from a place of admiration, it carries implications that unintentionally diminish the role of full-time working mothers. When someone expresses, “I don’t know how you do it,” they might as well be saying:
‘It’s too much for one woman.’
When did juggling work and family become deemed too challenging? Why have we collectively decided that women, who excel at multitasking, cannot manage a career while being nurturing mothers? Why should fulfilling our passions feel insurmountable in the realm of motherhood?
‘I couldn’t do it.’
Of course, you could! In reality, you already juggle similar responsibilities. There’s no hidden superpower or special training required to navigate my day-to-day life. We all rise each morning and tackle a blend of tasks we enjoy alongside those we’d rather avoid. The difference in our to-do lists is negligible.
‘What about the kids?’
During our recent parent-teacher conference, the teacher remarked that my daughter must be one of the hardest working kids, often the first to arrive and last to leave after-school care. Then came that familiar phrase again: “I don’t know how you do it.” Given that my vibrant child was sitting right next to me, thriving academically, what’s the point of such comments? If she didn’t have breakfast at school, she’d just eat at home. Yes, she enjoys after-school care where she gets a snack and plays with friends. What would she be doing otherwise?
Shouldn’t we be empowering future generations to understand that it’s perfectly acceptable to “have it all,” whatever that means to each individual? Do we really need to imply to a successful 6-year-old that her parents are somehow letting her down by working? Moreover, do we need to suggest that the effort put forth by her friends’ stay-at-home moms is somehow less worthy? If my day is akin to climbing Everest, what does that imply for those who choose to stay home? Are their experiences any less demanding than mine?
Saying “I don’t know how you do it” to a working mom is akin to telling a stay-at-home mom, “I don’t know how you do so little.” When I was a stay-at-home mom, such a comment would have ruffled my feathers, and rightfully so. Each mother faces her own unique struggles, and it’s absolutely ludicrous to suggest one type of motherhood outshines another.
While it’s wonderful to express admiration for one another, it would be even better if we could do so without diminishing the hard work each mother contributes.
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In summary, the phrase “I don’t know how you do it” can unintentionally convey messages that undermine the hard work of both working moms and stay-at-home moms alike. We should celebrate each other’s efforts without comparison, recognizing that every mother’s journey is valid and demanding in its own right.