In my mid-thirties, after experiencing an unexpected pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, my partner and I decided it was time to actively pursue having a child. A pregnancy tends to prompt that crucial conversation about the future of a relationship. We ultimately agreed that we desired children together, and “someday” quickly morphed into a more urgent “now” following a second miscarriage. The fear of potential infertility overshadowed our financial concerns. We embarked on the journey to parenthood without a second thought about our job stability or financial readiness. At the time, I was working as a bartender while my partner was a musician. We began saving a bit of money in anticipation of the time when I might need to take a break from work. A few years later, we welcomed our son into the world.
After his birth, I took a short hiatus from work, but our financial situation compelled me to return to bartending sooner than I’d hoped. This was when I started writing to help supplement our income. My background in bartending had honed my storytelling skills, and I quickly found some paying writing gigs. My partner and I alternated night shifts, striving to maintain flexibility in our work schedules to be present for our child. We joined the ranks of young urban families in our increasingly pricey Brooklyn neighborhood. Although my partner had grown up there and I had lived there for over a decade, the reality of raising a child in the city on our modest incomes began to weigh heavily on our minds.
A couple of years later, sitting on the toilet in our small third-floor walk-up, I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test that I hadn’t anticipated after previously struggling to conceive. We were about to expand our family under financially shaky circumstances. On paper, we may seem vastly different from the typical American parents: a musician who plays gigs across New York City and a writer who earns her living through her words. Our seemingly Bohemian lifestyle certainly raises eyebrows, as many wonder why we would choose to have another child when we clearly aren’t wealthy. However, our financial situation mirrors that of many Americans living paycheck to paycheck, making us more representative than the affluent families around us.
Despite our combined income placing us in the “middle class” category, we never seem to have extra funds. When I examine our monthly income versus our expenses, I find it astonishing. We lead a modest lifestyle, lacking a house or new cars, and we rarely indulge in material goods outside of necessities. We are simply two working adults with two children in daycare.
In previous writings, I’ve encountered the critique: “Don’t have kids if you can’t afford them.” Was it a mistake to bring children into a world where we struggle financially? Should financial readiness have deterred us from following our parental instincts? The notion that financial stability is a prerequisite for parenthood is intriguing, especially considering how many Americans face similar challenges. The middle class is increasingly burdened, and the cost of raising children continues to skyrocket. Statistics indicate that median household income has stagnated over the past few decades, while the costs associated with child-rearing have surged. For instance, a 2012 Bloomberg report noted a staggering 1120 percent increase in college costs over thirty years, while childcare expenses have nearly doubled for families with working mothers.
It used to be a common aspiration for parents to see their children achieve better lives than their own. In today’s economy, that dream feels more elusive than ever. So, what’s the next step? Should we conclude that only the affluent are entitled to raise children? When someone says, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford,” are they aware that they are addressing a significant portion of the population?
Expecting individuals to keep pace financially in the face of stagnant wages and rising living costs is unrealistic. It’s equally unreasonable to ask people to abandon their dreams of family life. I would never advise couples in our situation against having children simply because of financial constraints. We need more families invested in societal change. We must confront the reality of the middle class’s struggles in this country. If a middle-class income is insufficient to cover the basics of child-rearing, then what does that mean for the future? While I don’t have a definitive answer, I often tell friends who feel they can’t afford the children they desire: “Have them anyway.”
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Summary:
As many couples grapple with financial challenges, the decision to have children can be daunting. Despite limited income, the desire for family remains strong. The notion that one must be financially secure to raise kids overlooks the reality for countless families. Instead of discouraging potential parents, we should embrace the idea that family life is attainable for all.