If My Partner Were the Caregiver, They’d Be Out of a Job

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When my partner, Jake, was a child, his mother was the family’s primary provider while his father was out of work. This is a time Jake’s mom looks back on with pride, having been the one to support her family. However, Jake’s dad often refers to that period as “the time I babysat Jake.” This perspective is frustrating to say the least; the idea that a father taking on the bulk of childcare duties is merely babysitting is absurd. Mothers nurture while fathers babysit? That’s a misconception I’d love to debunk.

Let me explain with a few examples. Just last Saturday, I had an important project to complete by noon. Jake volunteered to handle our 16-month-old while I worked. Not long after, our little one, armed with a fork, found his way back upstairs, ready for more fun. I soon discovered Jake had dozed off on the couch.

Would you consider that the behavior of a responsible caregiver? Certainly not. I would have to let that caregiver go.

When our professional caregiver arrives, she brings a treasure trove of engaging activities for our child. In contrast, Jake took our toddler on a trip to the hardware store for light bulbs.

The caregiver cleans up after lunch, while Jake has been known to remove batteries from smoke alarms when dinner doesn’t go as planned. I’d be worried if a caregiver did the same.

Our caregiver makes sure to bathe the little one and dress him in pajamas before bedtime. Jake, however, has been known to let him sleep in the same clothes he wore all day, complete with sticky hands. A caregiver who did that likely wouldn’t be invited back.

The caregiver soothes our fussy child with gentle songs and cuddles. Jake, on the other hand, lets him roll around on the floor of the hardware aisle without a care in the world. That’s not a scenario I’d want from a caregiver.

When our toddler is under the weather, the caregiver diligently follows my instructions for medication and provides updates. Jake, conversely, takes the child to the mall. If a caregiver tried that, I’d definitely have some notes.

While the caregiver teaches our son proper handwashing techniques, Jake finds humor in teaching him how to flush the toilet repeatedly. Not exactly what I’d look for in a caregiver.

When our child is napping, the caregiver will tidy up and then read quietly. Jake, however, heads outside for yard work. While I appreciate the effort, I’d prefer a caregiver who stays indoors where the child is sleeping.

Unlike the caregiver who receives payment, Jake is rewarded with the joy of an adorable child and a loving partner.

Would I hire Jake as a caregiver? Absolutely not. His carefree, reckless style of childcare is a far cry from the nurturing approach I and the caregiver take. I often wish he would share my constant concern for our child’s safety, a worry that drives me to protect my most precious gift. I want him to be just as cautious, wrapping our child in bubble wrap while only allowing safe toys like foam blocks.

In my experience, fathers can be less than ideal caregivers. Yet they often excel as dads. I recognize that the experiences Jake provides—like trips to the hardware store in pajamas—are valuable. The moments they share outweigh any concerns I might have about their unconventional meals or activities. Even if he tumbles off playground equipment meant for older kids while feeling a bit under the weather, my son knows his father is there to love and protect him in a unique way.

While I may worry when I’m away, Jake and our son will be busy laughing, exploring the outdoors, and enjoying life. They will have their share of adventures, like spontaneous water fights or getting dirty while petting stray dogs. When I return, I’ll wash those hands and kiss those scraped knees, and together as a family, we will be better for it.

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In summary, while the carefree approach of a father may lack the meticulousness of a caregiver, the unique bond they share is invaluable. Moments spent together create memories that nurture and strengthen their relationship.

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