Yesterday unfolded like any typical day. I woke up, showered, got ready, and set about gathering the children. Meanwhile, my partner got ready and took the dogs for a walk. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare. After a busy day at work, we picked them up and returned home.
My partner eagerly took our toddler downstairs to play with the puppies, who had been eagerly awaiting our arrival. While he was preoccupied, I removed the baby’s jacket, took off my own, and hung them both in the closet. I also stored my shoes away (this detail is relevant, I promise). I then took the baby with me to change clothes and, upon returning, began clearing the clutter from the kitchen table. Once that was done, the baby and I moved to the living room to play.
That’s when it all began. My partner returned upstairs with our toddler, took off his jacket and shoes, and placed them on the kitchen table. After seating the toddler in the living room, he walked to the cupboard to grab a snack for himself—not for our child. At that moment, I found myself saying, “Could you help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
In that instant, I was struck by clarity. I realized that I had been using the wrong words. My partner isn’t just helping me out; he’s contributing as an adult and a co-parent. I expressed this realization aloud: “Actually, could you just do it? This isn’t merely helping me out; it’s just tidying up after your child.” He didn’t respond but proceeded to put the items away.
From that day forward, I resolved to stop asking my partner for assistance, except in situations where he might genuinely be doing me a favor—like squashing a terrifying insect that sends chills down my spine. Here’s why:
It Undermines His Role.
My partner is a fully capable adult, not just my helper or assistant. He doesn’t need my direction to be effective. If he overlooks something that needs to be done, I can mention it, but it’s about our collective responsibilities in a busy household. When he asks me to fetch a bottle for the baby, he doesn’t frame it as a favor; it’s simply part of our shared responsibilities.
It Shifts Responsibility in an Unfair Way.
I don’t bear the sole burden of organizing our home or ensuring our children are well-fed, clean, and dressed. By saying “help me out,” I inadvertently take on that ownership. There are many things I aspire to own—a luxury boat, a high-end car, or even a laundry folding machine—but the complete responsibility for our household isn’t one of them. I only want half of that, thank you very much.
It Sets a Misguided Example for Our Children.
I don’t want my sons to grow up thinking that doing the dishes or putting away their jackets is doing me a favor. I want them to understand the importance of being genuine partners, taking pride in sharing responsibilities, and enjoying the satisfaction that comes from contributing equally.
It Weakens Our Partnership.
My partner is my equal, and while we may not approach tasks in the same way, our goal is a happy, healthy family (and a home that doesn’t resemble a battlefield of toddler snacks). I don’t want to direct him; I want him to understand that his role is to be a father and a true partner—and, yes, to tackle those pesky bugs too.
So, when my partner leaves his clean laundry in the dryer for days on end, instead of requesting him to “help me out” by folding it so I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll simply ask him to move his stuff out of the way.
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In summary, redefining how I communicate responsibilities with my partner has strengthened our relationship, clarified our roles, and set a positive example for our children.