A colleague of mine recalls a traumatic experience being rushed into an emergency room on a stretcher. He had just attempted to take his own life and came perilously close to succeeding. He remembers the glaring lights above him, the frantic voices, and hands moving all around. Then, his clothes were taken from him. Even in that state of near-unconsciousness, he was overwhelmed by a wave of humiliating shame.
That, dear readers, is what true shame feels like.
Recently, I took a weekend trip with my children. One day at the breakfast buffet, a stranger shot me a disapproving glance directed at my lively preschoolers, rolled her eyes dramatically, and exclaimed, “Oh my God. Can you please control your children?”
That’s not shame.
In recent years, experts like Dr. Brené Brown have shed light on concepts like shame and vulnerability, helping many—including myself—navigate through these complex feelings. Shame is a significant issue, and it deserves thoughtful discussion. Unfortunately, the term has become trivialized.
After the breakfast incident, I could have easily claimed I experienced mom-shaming. I could have vented about intolerant individuals and how their negativity complicates parenting. Even at that moment, I could have told her to stop belittling my kids for merely being themselves. But doing so would have misrepresented the situation.
The woman at the breakfast bar did not shame me. She embarrassed me, yes. But I did not feel ashamed. Instead, her rudeness served as a reminder that we live in a diverse society, often encountering those whose values starkly contrast with our own. My children were simply being children, which clashed with her desire for a serene breakfast experience (trust me, we get it!). Simultaneously, her eye-rolling and harsh comments clashed with my values of treating strangers with kindness. It was a clash of perspectives—not an indictment of my worth.
However, when my friend lay on that stretcher, grappling with a visceral, deep-seated shame due to the vulnerability of being exposed, he faced a significant emotional crisis. Feeling humiliation while incapacitated signifies that one’s dignity feels threatened, requiring urgent attention to the shame being carried. Fortunately, he took steps to address that shame in the days that followed.
Shame is a very real emotion that can disrupt and even devastate lives. Let’s refrain from labeling every uncomfortable interaction as “shaming.” If someone gives you the side-eye, belittles you, or calls you out, more often than not, you’re witnessing a clash of values, leaving you feeling embarrassed or frustrated. You might wish to disappear rather than confront the situation, as I did with my exuberant children that morning. But when the moment passes, you aren’t left incapacitated; your life continues. This isn’t shame; it’s simply part of life.
For more insights on parenting and navigating complex emotions, check out our other blog posts at this link.
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In summary, while it’s essential to recognize the profound nature of shame, we must also differentiate it from mere embarrassment or conflict of values. Understanding this distinction can help us navigate our interactions with greater compassion and grace.