In a recent remark that stirred up quite the conversation, designers like Luca Ferrara referred to babies conceived through IVF for same-sex couples as “synthetic.” Now, while I’m not an expert in reproductive methods like Ferrara—who is, after all, a fashion designer—there are some amusing ways to identify whether a child is truly “synthetic” or just your average, everyday kid. Here are six signs to look out for:
- They Sleep on Cue: Synthetic children are a dream come true when it comes to bedtime. With just a gentle wave of your hand, they’ll drift off and stay asleep until your alarm goes off. In contrast, a “real” child will negotiate for just one more story, a sip of water, or may even pop back into your bed halfway through the night.
- No Bodily Fluids: All kids seem to produce a never-ending supply of fluids and messes. If you’re lucky enough to find a day without spills or accidents, consider it a victory. Synthetic children, however, are a marvel of cleanliness; they produce no pee, poo, or any other bodily fluids. Keep an eye out for this rare breed!
- Cruciferous Vegetable Enthusiasts: Want to test if a child is synthetic? Offer them a piece of raw cauliflower. A synthetic child will munch on it excitedly, asking for seconds. They’ll do the same with broccoli, kale, and brussels sprouts—without the usual gagging or ketchup demands during meal times.
- Immaculate Play Habits: A “real” child is likely to leave toys scattered everywhere, including sharp objects at the base of the stairs. Synthetic children, on the other hand, neatly play with educational toys and always put them away after sharing with siblings.
- Exemplary Behavior: Synthetic kids never throw tantrums in the grocery store or whine about leaving without new toys. Instead, they quietly ask for their car seat straps to be snugged up for safety and will wait patiently to enjoy their healthy snacks at home.
- Dental Hygiene Aficionados: Synthetic children genuinely love brushing and flossing their teeth. They’ll eagerly ask about the last time they brushed and will use floss correctly, without turning it into a toy. When you suggest brushing before bed, they won’t act as if you’ve proposed something unbearable.
Unless you find a child that meets all these criteria, you can safely assume that you’re dealing with a “real” child. So, it’s best to avoid asking mothers about their kids’ conception methods—IVF, surrogacy, or otherwise. They’re likely too busy managing the chaos of spit-ups, tantrums, and Lego injuries to engage in that discussion.
To dive deeper into topics surrounding conception and parenting, check out this insightful post on cervical insemination here. If you’re looking for reputable supplies for at-home insemination, consider visiting Make a Mom. For comprehensive resources on pregnancy and infertility, Mount Sinai offers excellent guidance.
In summary, while the notion of “synthetic” children is amusing, it’s essential to remember that all kids are uniquely wonderful, regardless of how they were conceived.
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