My eldest son, Jake, has developed impressive negotiation skills since he first started talking. Whether it’s arguing about bedtime, extra screen time, or treats, he’s always ready to debate. What I’ve realized is that it’s not just about the extra episode of his favorite show or that extra cookie; it’s about the sense of achievement he gains from “winning.”
As adults, we often idealize childhood and overlook how little autonomy children truly have. For a determined child like Jake, having every detail dictated can be particularly frustrating. Instead of stifling his desire to assert control over his life, I’ve chosen to let him win occasionally. Of course, I still set firm boundaries—an eighth cookie is a no-go! But allowing him to come out on top in other areas has fostered his self-esteem and sharp negotiation abilities. Now that he’s nearly 12, I grant him more autonomy, knowing he’s capable of understanding the natural consequences of his choices. As a result, I find myself relying less on punitive measures and more on letting life teach him.
Here are eight instances from this week where I let Jake take the lead:
- I didn’t insist he eat breakfast. He usually claims he’s not hungry or doesn’t have time. This week, I decided to let it slide. By the end of the day, he returned home hungry and grumpy. The next morning, he made himself a bowl of cereal without being asked.
- I allowed him to head out without a jacket or umbrella, despite the torrential rain. He came back drenched, but I kept my laughter in check.
- I let him indulge in video games after school before tackling his homework. He lost track of time and ended up staying up late to finish. The following day, he chose to complete his assignments right after school to avoid a repeat.
- I permitted him to spend his own $40 on a poorly reviewed remote-control helicopter. It broke within an hour. Though it pained me to watch his disappointment, I resisted the urge to refund his money.
- I didn’t enforce a clean room policy. He mislaid a library book, two favorite pairs of pants, and $3. Once he found the book, he had to use his own cash to cover the overdue fees.
- I skipped making him do his chores, and he didn’t either. For dinner, he ended up with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on napkins next to an overflowing trash can, while I savored my sushi with a suppressed grin.
- I let him hang on the dog gate, despite my warnings. It broke, and the dog chewed up some of his prized baseball cards. I held back my urge to lecture him.
- I didn’t force him to hug me in front of his friends when school began. I fought back tears as he waved goodbye from the bus. However, my heart fluttered when he acknowledged me from the back, showing he still cared.
Ultimately, our children won’t always be under our roof. While training them to be compliant may ease our parenting journey, teaching them about the consequences of their choices equips them for life. I still lay down the law in certain areas—like that forbidden eighth cookie!—but I strive to let him “win” whenever possible, even if it leads to a lesson learned.
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Summary:
Allowing children to “win” in small ways fosters independence and self-esteem. By letting my son navigate some of his choices, such as skipping breakfast or making his own purchases, he learns valuable life lessons about responsibility and consequence. This approach not only nurtures his growth but also prepares him for the future.