As a single mother, it’s been quite a while since I’ve engaged in intimacy—specifically, three long years. The last time I shared that experience was on my son’s first birthday, and now he’s just celebrated his fourth. As he happily blew out the candles on his cake, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own imaginary cake, celebrating the three years without sex.
At that time, I was still in a relationship with my son’s father. Unfortunately, as time went on, our bond began to deteriorate, leading my friends to suggest that I simply needed to “get laid.” They believed that physical intimacy would resolve my feelings of loneliness and despair. However, I understood that sex was not the answer to my struggles.
The Challenges of Seeking Intimacy
As a nearly 30-year-old single mom, I found it challenging to seek out sexual relationships. In truth, sex wasn’t even on my radar. My focus was primarily on my responsibilities as a parent and navigating my life. The transition from having an infant to a toddler made it easy to suppress that side of myself, and as the years passed, I found myself still grappling with my feelings about intimacy.
Being a single mom kept me preoccupied, especially during the exhausting early stages. I had little time for dating, as my child was incredibly attached to me. Living with my parents only complicated matters further. As a woman in her 30s with a toddler, addressing questions about my personal life was daunting; I simply didn’t want to explain who I was with or what I was doing. Let’s be honest—many men my age aren’t eager to pursue a relationship with a single mother, especially one living at home.
Finding Myself Again
After my breakup, I went through a tough mental phase, channeling my energy into my career instead. I worked long hours and found myself too exhausted to even contemplate dating. Yet, as my writing career began to flourish, I started to see a shift in my self-esteem. I put more effort into my appearance and occasionally went out with friends. There was one night at a bar when a charming guy flirted with me, but instead of excitement, all I felt was nausea. I realized that while I was feeling better about myself, I wasn’t prepared to dive into dating or sex.
My friends couldn’t comprehend how I managed to set aside my sexual desires. For me, it was surprisingly simple. Although I enjoyed sex, I was more interested in meaningful companionship. Casual encounters didn’t appeal to me, and I wasn’t ready for emotional attachment.
Embracing My Current Life
Surprisingly, I’ve come to appreciate the life I’m creating. I’m content with my work, friendships, and the bond with my child. There’s no pressure to look attractive for anyone, and I enjoy the freedom of not worrying about my appearance. I prefer comfy clothes over fancy outfits. At the end of the day, I’m simply too tired to engage in nightlife and casual hookups.
The thought of re-entering the dating scene is daunting. In my early 30s, this isn’t where I envisioned myself. The idea of being intimate with someone new feels intimidating, especially considering how much my body has changed. Motherhood has left its marks, and I often wonder if I have the energy to balance being a mom, working, and nurturing a relationship.
The logistics of arranging childcare for a night out also seem overwhelming. While flirting with attractive men sounds fun, the reality of intimacy feels complicated. I find solace in the idea of returning home, indulging in ice cream, and enjoying videos of my favorite artists instead.
Accepting My Readiness
Ultimately, I recognize that my hesitance to engage in sexual relationships simply means I’m not ready, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Resources for Exploring Parenthood
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Summary:
This article reflects on a single mother’s journey of abstaining from sex for three years while navigating life as a parent and the complexities of intimacy. It explores her feelings about sex, self-identity, and the challenges of dating, ultimately embracing the phase of life she’s in.