I found myself stuck in a job I didn’t enjoy, knowing from the very beginning of our relationship that I would likely become the main provider in our partnership. (I cringe at the term “breadwinner”—and it’s not because I have anything against gluten.) I put in those long hours to transform my time and self-respect into the financial security we needed for rent, groceries, and bills. I vividly remember a bright Spring morning filled with frustration and envy, wishing I could stay home like my partner, Sam, who seemed to have the luxury of following his own interests and indulging in mindless TV. Back then, he was navigating the “finding himself” phase of unemployment, having recently moved to New York after his teaching position in Pennsylvania ended. He was exploring job opportunities but also considering taking on odd jobs building furniture in the meantime.
One day, while parked in his truck—a double-parked oasis amidst the chaos of New York City—I asked him, “Would you ever take on a job you despised just for the benefits?” His emphatic “No” struck me like a punch; I could feel the disappointment and anger welling up inside me, which ultimately led to tears from both of us.
That morning was rough (but hey, at least we dodged a parking ticket), yet it clarified my path forward. I realized I couldn’t wait for him to find any job just so I could quit mine and figure things out too. Shortly after, what began as a favor to a friend—building a simple bookcase—evolved into a legitimate business for Sam, who started crafting cabinets for clients, marking the start of a new chapter in his career.
Fast forward ten years, and while Sam’s income would be more than sufficient elsewhere, in New York City, it just doesn’t stretch far enough to support our family of three. Every career move I make now brings with it the weight of financial concerns and health benefits. It’s worth noting that I don’t know anyone who’s gone freelance while raising a family and found a good deal with Obamacare. Most days, I manage to stay optimistic—Sam’s self-employment allows one of us the flexibility to juggle school and childcare commitments. However, at least four times a year, I find myself in a funk about it all.
The burden can feel overwhelming, especially during layoffs when my workplace is trimming staff to boost profits. I often wonder about friends whose partners work in finance or law: “Why do they even bother if they don’t need the paycheck?” Sure, I understand that many find fulfillment in their jobs, but honestly, it pales in comparison to the idea of cozily watching an old episode of Law & Order at 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.
These thoughts often lead me to ponder the past—did my father ever feel trapped by the responsibilities of providing for our family? I think back to my own upbringing; while my mom eventually joined the workforce, she primarily did so to support her own interests. Meanwhile, my dad was never bogged down by the daily grind of balancing work with family life. I carry the weight of earning a paycheck, securing benefits, and still managing to coordinate our daughter’s parent-teacher meetings, dentist appointments, and even ensuring she arrives at birthday parties with trendy $15 gifts. (To be fair to Sam: our daughter is just 5, and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve trimmed her nails. I rarely make her breakfast, let alone pack her lunch.)
Finding solace in the company of other women in similar situations is a comfort. No matter where I work, I find other women who share my struggles. We often chat at our desks, dreaming about what life would be like if we had married someone wealthy or, at the very least, someone with exceptional benefits from their employer. Invariably, one of my colleagues will mention going back to school or starting a small business, often involving baking or crafting. As for me, I dream of working alongside Sam in his woodshop, learning a trade, and creating something tangible—something that wouldn’t gnaw at my soul.
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In summary, the journey of balancing work, family, and financial stability can be overwhelming, but finding connection with others and exploring new opportunities can make it more manageable.
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