When it comes to raising tweens and teens, it’s crucial to understand your role. Recently, I experienced a classic moment with my 12-year-old daughter, Bella, who stormed upstairs after I enforced a rule about her using a certain social media site. While she didn’t quite slam her door, the force she used was a clear signal of her displeasure.
What sparked this mini-drama? Bella had tried to access ask.fm, a platform we explicitly told her to avoid. The site’s Terms of Service specify that users must be at least 13 years old, which aligns with regulations like the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. We had established clear boundaries: no use of that app, period. Bella countered with, “But I don’t have an account! You never said I couldn’t just visit!” Cue the eye roll and dramatic exit.
Later that night, my husband and I had a post-bedtime discussion, and I found myself questioning my parenting choices. “Am I being too strict? Maybe I’m hovering too much?” I hesitated, remembering something football coach Lou Holtz often says: “Know your mandate.”
In that moment, I realized my parenting decisions were indeed aligned with my core responsibilities. Here’s what I believe my mandate includes:
- Ensure my child’s safety.
- Promote her health.
- Show her love and affection.
- Provide a solid education.
- Instill respect and responsibility, which means following both the law and our family rules.
Every parent will have their own interpretation of what their mandate is, but these priorities are at the top of my list. Sure, I can’t protect Bella forever, but I can teach her how to keep herself safe as she grows.
Understanding what my mandate does not include is equally important. For example:
- I’m not here to be Bella’s best friend.
- I don’t have to satisfy every one of her wants.
- My parenting style doesn’t need to mirror others.
- I’m not responsible for her entertainment.
- And most importantly, I’m not accountable for her happiness.
This last point can be a tough pill to swallow. Many parents, like myself, don’t enjoy making their children unhappy, even if tweens often think otherwise. While it’s difficult to see Bella upset, I remind myself that her happiness is ultimately her responsibility.
Tweens and teens are perfectly capable of making their own choices, even if they sometimes choose poorly. Part of our mandate as parents is to allow them to experience the consequences of their decisions, which can be a painful but necessary learning process.
Knowing my mandate empowers me to stick to my decisions, even when they feel isolating. I may be swimming against the current with my rules about social media usage, especially when other parents adopt different standards. However, understanding that my rules align with my parenting mandate boosts my confidence.
While Lou Holtz might not have intended to offer parenting advice, his wisdom is applicable beyond the football field. Knowing your priorities and objectives makes it easier to navigate the choppy waters of parenting tweens and teens. And trust me, any help along this journey is welcomed!
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Summary
Understanding your parenting mandate can help clarify your role and responsibilities when raising tweens and teens. By focusing on safety, health, education, and respect, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with confidence. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your child’s growth, even if it means they might not always be happy.