In recent years, in vitro fertilization (IVF) has garnered significant attention—thanks in no small part to celebrities like the Kardashians. As a result, I’ve often encountered people without firsthand experience in this area casually suggesting, “Why not just adopt?”
Couples facing infertility often find themselves on the receiving end of unsolicited advice and well-meaning yet misguided comments. Trust me, I’ve lost track of how many times during my own journey with infertility someone has blurted out the all-too-familiar line: “Why not just adopt?”
Let me clarify: adoption is a beautiful option and can be a fulfilling route to parenthood for many. However, please, for the love of all that’s good, stop saying this to those struggling to conceive! Here’s why:
- Mind Your Own Business! Are you footing the bill for treatments? Are you going through the process? Are you raising the child? Nope! That makes your opinion irrelevant. It’s simply none of your business!
- There Are Multiple Paths to Parenthood. Fertility treatments like intrauterine insemination (IUI) and IVF, along with surrogacy and donor options, exist. Just because someone receives an infertility diagnosis doesn’t mean hope is lost—there are choices to explore.
- Adoption Isn’t a Walk in the Park. Contrary to popular belief, adoption can also be a lengthy, expensive, and stressful process. Domestic adoptions through agencies can cost anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000, and the wait time for placement can extend to 14 months or more. Not every adoption goes smoothly either; sometimes birth parents change their minds, leaving hopeful adoptive parents heartbroken.
- Why Not Explore All Options? There’s no harm in trying treatments first! Pursuing IUI or IVF doesn’t preclude you from adopting later. It’s your journey, and you should have the freedom to make decisions that feel right for you.
- Adoption Won’t Erase Infertility Grief. While you can love an adopted child just as much as a biological one, the emotional scars of infertility can linger. It’s not something you simply “get over.”
- Adoption Isn’t Just for Infertile Couples. Funny how no one asks fertile couples why they don’t just adopt! Wanting to experience pregnancy and childbirth is a natural desire—infertility doesn’t make you selfish for wanting that.
- Not Everyone Wants to Adopt. While many view adoption as a wonderful option, it’s a personal choice. Respect that, even if you don’t agree with it.
- Stop with the Ignorance! Comments like “Maybe you’re not meant to have kids” or “This is God’s way of saying you should adopt!” are downright hurtful. Those facing infertility deserve empathy, not judgment.
- You Can’t Understand Until You’ve Been There. It’s easy to pass judgment from the sidelines. Until you walk in someone else’s shoes, you really don’t know what they’re going through.
- Decisions Are Hard. Trust that those involved are doing what’s best for themselves. The professionals they consult are far more qualified to guide them than anyone else.
After much consideration, my husband and I opted to pursue treatments first. We did our research, consulted fertility specialists, and even spoke with adoption agencies. Ultimately, our efforts led to a healthy pregnancy, and in early 2011, I welcomed our daughter into the world.
Despite facing skepticism from some who tried to impose their beliefs on us, we knew our path was right for us. Science, to us, is a tool that can aid in the journey to parenthood. I still hope to become a foster mom one day because I have so much love to offer!
Ultimately, each couple’s journey is unique, and the choices they make should be respected. Whether you’re considering fertility treatments or adoption, follow your heart, and if you’re not in the thick of it, be kind. Judgments come from speculation—not experience.
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this resource on home insemination kits. And for a deeper dive into genetics and IVF, you can visit the Genetics and IVF Institute.
Summary
Navigating the journey of infertility can be fraught with unsolicited advice, especially the dreaded question of why not just adopt. While adoption is a beautiful path to parenthood, it’s essential to understand that couples facing infertility have various options available, including treatments like IUI and IVF. Each couple’s journey is unique, and they deserve the freedom to make choices that feel right for them without judgment from outsiders.