September 7, 2023
Your kids are growing up, and suddenly, you find yourself with some extra time on your hands. Having spent years as the dedicated caregiver, you’re reminded that you have valuable skills, a solid work ethic, and a desire to contribute to the workforce once again. With a sleek four-page resume in hand and a brand-new beige pantsuit from your local department store, you’re ready for your first job interview in ages.
But deep down, you’re not so sure you want to dive back into the daily grind. After all, you’ve been dreaming about finishing that novel, indulging in cookies without a care, and enjoying uninterrupted “me time.” Maybe you’re okay with being that mom who takes her time to rediscover herself. If you’re looking for a way to gracefully bow out of the job hunt without raising eyebrows, just follow these 19 foolproof techniques to ensure you never get hired:
- Expect your interviewer to be a millennial man—because isn’t that the stereotype? Make it clear you’d struggle to take direction from a woman.
- When your interviewer asks, “Can I get you anything?” surprise him by saying, “Yes, how about an iced cappuccino?” Just to keep things lively!
- Address him as “Sir,” leaving him to ponder if you’re being sarcastic.
- Use outdated terms like typewriter and xerox to showcase your tech-savviness.
- When asked about your strengths and weaknesses, simply respond with “lasagna.” It’s a conversation starter, right?
- Clarify that while you’re a proud PTA mom, you’re definitely not the one who spent time on Ashley Madison—give him a wink for dramatic effect.
- Present a long list of dates you’ll need off work to follow your favorite band, Phish, on tour.
- Casually inquire if he’d like to buy pizza kits to support your son’s baseball fundraiser.
- Mention that, while you don’t speak any languages, you’re fluent in several foreign accents.
- Claim “hosting a candle party” as legitimate outside sales experience.
- Make it clear you’d accept a company car, but it better not be a clunker that wrecks your street cred.
- Brag about earning your “bachelorette’s degree” from a prestigious university.
- Politely request that the vending machines are stocked with gluten-free snacks for your dietary needs.
- Invent whimsical job titles for your resume, like CEO: Chief Everything Officer or CPA: Car-Pool Aficionado.
- Agree to a pre-hire drug test, then start chewing your nails nervously.
- Drop something under the interviewer’s desk and don’t move to retrieve it. When he reaches down, pop your head under and exclaim, “What a coincidence!”
- Wink at your interviewer frequently, but try not to look too twitchy.
- If the topic of dress code arises, burst into tears for added drama.
- Finally, agree to the company’s social media policy, then send him a friend request as you walk out the door.
If you still end up getting an offer, you could always feign a pregnancy—now that’s a foolproof excuse to bow out gracefully!
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Summary
In this humorous take on job interviews, we explore 19 outrageous strategies to ensure you don’t land the job. From outdated jargon to awkward moments, these tips are perfect for those who may not be ready to dive back into the workforce. With a playful tone, we encourage readers to embrace their unique journeys while providing links to helpful resources on home insemination.